Jokes

1.A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school." Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

Dad: "I heard you missed school yesterday." Little Johnny: "Not a bit."

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

The saddest day of my life was seeing my mum crying after my dad went to heaven. Heaven was the name of his favourite gay massage parlour.

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him… “Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?” … … … “I did Teacher” … …. “And did your stepfather take you out, show you things, go exploring?” … … “Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I’d swim back.” … … … “Oh, well, um, it’s an awful long way to swim isn’t, 1/2 a mile?” … “Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I’d got out of the bag!”

Three kids were smoking behind the shed. "My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first. "Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!" countered the second boy. "That’s nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through his arse. I know,‘cos I’ve seen the nicotine stains on his undies."

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.” The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.” The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.” The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

A  young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.” After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….” To which his father replied,”Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby? A: Your dad's a wanker.

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents’ room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered his parents’ bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth. “Dad!” he shouted, “What are you doing?” “It’s OK son”, replied his father. “Your mother wants to have another baby, that’s all”. The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees sucking furiously on his father’s penis. “Dad!”, he shouted, “What are you doing now?”. “Son, there’s been a slight change in plans”, his dad replied. “Now she wants a BMW”

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says “A computer”. Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.” 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nuthin.” The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, “Nope I’m sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, “Well, that’s the last thing we need

A guy and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed. Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?" Dad goes, "Well we can't spank him!"

The baby came out, and they said, 'What is it, Dad?' And I had no idea. I've seen women before; it looked nothing like this. They're swollen in certain places. I said, 'I don't know what it is. It's ours. We'll love it. We'll keep it. Don't put it back.'

When I was a kid, my dad said, “Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,” “Are you kidding? Really?” I shouted, my eyes welling up with tears. “Yup, get ready,” he said. “They’ll be picking you up in about a half an hour.”

A couple were celebrating 50 years together..  Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one …. ‘Sorry I’m running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father.  “The important thing is that we’re all together today.” Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad.   I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.” “It’s nothing,” said the father.  “We’re glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter arrived.  “Hello and happy anniversary!   I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy  packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything..” After they had finished dessert, the father said,  “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were very poor.  Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.  Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?” “Yep,” said the father.  “And cheap ones too.”

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Guy: Haha your a fail Me: Just like your dad's condom and your mom's abortion

I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy” My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad”

Jimmy was a young man who knew his straight-arrow corporate executive Father would get furious if he knew he used LSD. So he hid his supply whenever his Dad visited him. One day he drove up to see his Father's Porsche parked outside his home. His Dad was there! And he had left LSD sugar cubes in the kitchen! And his Dad loved coffee! Jimmy ran into the house and expected to see his dignified, distinguished, impeccably dressed Father in his very expensive suit, perfectly tied tie and gleaming polished shoes, ready for a lecture. His Father NEVER used drugs and did not even drink. But he wasn’t there. “Dad! Where are you? Did you put sugar in your coffee?” yelled Jimmy. Then he went into the living room. There was his Father . And an empty coffee cup on the floor. “DAD!” cried Jimmy. His formal financial executive Father was sitting cross legged - and rocking gently back and forth in the middle of the floor. He was barefoot. He was no longer wearing his business suit. His Italian shoes and briefcase were lined up neatly. And his dress socks, glasses, wallet, belt, car keys, Rolex watch and cufflinks were in a pile. He was wearing one of Jimmy’s own tie-dye T shirts and ragged jeans. His $2,000 Armani pinstriped suit, silk tie and white shirt were on the floor - and he was using gardening shears to slice up his own clothes! “DAD! You’re tripping! You took my LSD! You’re destroying your business suit! Stop!” yelled Jimmy. His dignified, well-dressed . What had he done! His Father looked up with a glazed stare. “That’s nothing. I have a REAL problem. He said he likes it!’ “What?” said Jimmy. “Who likes what?” His Father said: “HIM! He said he likes my suit. And he said he wanted it. He told me to strip. So of course I DID! And he wants my tie. And shirt! NOW! He said I was too uppity! Too arrogant! So I have to make them fit for him! He will be VERY angry if I don’t do it right!” And he tore the satin lining out of his suit jacket and chopped off the legs of his suit trousers. “And he demanded my shoes and socks! He LOVES my shoes! But how will I make them fit!? Help me! He’s WAITING! Don’t you understand! He even wants me to drive him in my own CAR! I will be his driver!” “WHAT!! Who is demanding all of this? WHO!?” cried Jimmy. His Father stared at him with his glazed eyes as he sliced through his $200 tie. “Who? The two foot high troll with the three headed dog on a leash in the kitchen! Who else?!”

Insult: Your a fail! Comeback: So was your dad's condom.

Daughter: "Dad, a kid at school called me a lesbian." Dad: "Smack her in the mouth and kick her in the vagina." Daughter: "But dad she is cute." Dad: ...

I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table. “I’m proud of you son” he winked, “now tell me, did you use protection?” “You know what they say, dad” I grinned, “up the bum no babies.” “Ha ha, that’s my boy” he laughed, “what’s her name?” “Patrick” I replied.

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said “Dad look what I made.” So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow. Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his ‘you know what’ grow. His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable. Dad agreed. The next month the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. Two days after that, his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari. The son looked at his dad and said “I only asked for a convertable.” The dad replied “the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother.”

Dad: Want to hear a joke son? Son: Sure Dad: pussy Son: I don't get it Dad: That's right

My family were so poor that every night my dad used to take me to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale...