Jokes

My teenage daughter came home in a rage…. ‘I’ve just started sεx education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sεx before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ … I put down my newspaper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’

I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend. As we sat around the fire he said, “Dad, I need a shit.” “Go and have one then,” I said. “That’s the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere you want and you can’t get into trouble.” He walked off and came back a few minutes later. “Where did you have one?” I asked. He said, “In your car.”

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Dad: Hey son what is 2 x 2? Son: A tie Dad: Ok, what is 2 x 1? Son: An offer

My 6yo son was in the garden looking at a couple pf spiders, when he said dad, Is that a mummylongleg under that daddylongleg. I looked at him and said, No son there's only daddylonglegs. I was feeling rather impressed that he was asking such intelligent question. When I saw him stomp on the spIders yelling "THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT POOFTER SHIT GOING ON IN OUR GARDEN"

How can you tell if your sister is on her period? Your dad’s d*ck tastes different.

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.” The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.” The little boy replied ,”Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Me: dad i got detention today. Dad: why? Me:the teacher pointed at stick at me and said there is an idiot at the end of this stick. Dad: then what? Me: i asked which end ? Dad: that's my boy

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too. Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Avalanche fan," she retorts. "Then," asks her teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I'm a Wings fan too," she responds. The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" "Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Avalanche fan."

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?" "Shut up!" "Are you trying to get in trouble?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" "Go! Go! Go!" "How many spankings do you want? "64! 64! 64!" "Who do you think you are?" "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"

your mama pussy so big when your dad stuck his dick in it, he felt like he was waving his dick in space!

A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit. They are showing their private parts. They both ask each other ''what is it?'' They both replied ''I don't know?'' so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ''It's a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.'' The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ''It's a pink a garage don't let any red a farahri park in it!'' The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands. Her mom said ''whats that?'' Girl: Blood!'' Mom: ''From what?'' Girl: ''A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off!''

This kid about ten tears old was being a right little cunt with his mum and dad in the supermarket, “Are you by any chance an only child? ” I asked him, “Yeah, why? What;s it got to do with you? ” He replied. “Nothing, ” I said, “but I can see why they stopped. “

He's like the nicest man in the world. He could say something nice about anybody -- I mean, anybody. So finally one day I got fed up with it. I said, 'Alright, Dad, what about John Wayne Gacy? Killed 35 people, buried them under the house.' My father goes, 'Well, he's not lazy, and he's a home owner.'

My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.” His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy. His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.” The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said Shut Up, so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said YES YES YES!!! At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”

I said to my parents, “Mum, Dad… I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,” they replied. “Your luggage is outside,” I added.

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. 'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny. 'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.' Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever. 'Now what is it ?' asked his dad. 'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'

Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!

Girl:What's the price of this shirt . Boy: 5 kisses . Girl :What's the price of that dress . Boy:10 kisses . Girl: pack both of them dad will pay . Boy : oh f*ck

*My dad helping me find a gf* Dad: What do you want most in a woman? Me: My dick. *Grounded and high fived*

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings." The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose." The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt." The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?" "No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x. The code is: "Making a call." One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call. The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order. Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call. The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

Little Johnny: Mom, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady. Mom: Good, you did the right thing. Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on dad’s lap.

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

My dad just told me he knocked Muhammad Ali out in the first round once. They played one another at the Jenga World Championships.

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."