Jokes
Browse and search jokes.
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Ghostly Builder
What do ghosts need to build a house? A “boo” print!
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Split in Two
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
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A Towel Joke
Why can't towels tell jokes? Because they have a dry sense of humor.
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The Past Tense
Divorce is the past tense of marriage.
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Get The Name Right
BOSS: "What should we call this giant advertising board?" PHIL: "A philboard!" BILL: "No, wait... I have a better idea!"
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She'll Break Many Hearts
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day." Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
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Mental Capacity
My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
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Please Explain
Why is there no egg in eggplant? Why is there no ham in a hamburger? How come English Muffins do not come from England? How come French Fries do not come from France? Why doesn’t pineapple contain apples or pines? How come a Guinea Pig is neither a pig nor is it from Guinea?
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Good Deal
Buy your thermometers in the wintertime... They're much lower then.
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Face or Bill
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.
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Age Appropriate
When it comes to telling her age, she's shy... About 10 years shy!!!
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In Six Months
"Where do you see yourself in six months?" "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."
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Super Grandfather
My grandfather has lion heart and eagle eyes! Unfortunately we couldn't find other donors.
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Worth Of A Gas Cap
A man walked up to the counter of an auto-part store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo." "Sure," the clerk replied. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."
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Problems
Seeing a spider is not a problem... The problem comes when it disappears!
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If A Gang of Robbers Dove
If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool... Would that cause a crime wave?
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Gas for $1.49
I got gas today for $1.49... Unfortunately, it was Taco Bell.
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Career Change
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target and... Long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.
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My New Years Resolution
My New Years resolution is to start reading more... So I enabled the subtitles on my TV.
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Skeletons
Why don't skeletons ever get mad? Nothing gets under their skin.
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Dogs Being Dogs
Two dogs pass a parking meter... One says to the other, "How do you like that, a pay toilet!"
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Who Is Right
War does not determine who is right... Only who is left.
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Where There's A Will
Where there's a will... I want to be in it!
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Three Phrases
Three phrases commonly seen around Christmas time are... Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included!
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He Who Laughs Last
He who laughs last... didn't get it!
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Hurdles
I used to have a fear of hurdles... But I got over it!
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Unique Species
What is unique about Humans? Humans are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
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Electrical Engineers
Where do electrical engineers go after work? They go ohm!
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What They Sound Like
Words that mean what they sound like... Counterfeiters: workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
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The Best Way
Teacher: "How do you keep your old car running better?" Student: "Check the prices of a new car regularly."