Jokes

Teacher: How we use the light? Pupil: To suck it? Teacher: Why do you say so? Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suck it!"

1000 kick asses I will ask my teacher to f*ck

2 boys turn up late for class Teacher:Why are you late?! Boys:Sorry we were starting our daily shave. Girl comes in late. Teacher:And why are u late?! Girl:I was getting shaved. Girl winks at boys. Teacher:Holy Shit!

My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?” Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.

The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl. After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He said, "Shree Hill." Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill." Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill." Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill."

Me: Can I go to the restroom? Teacher: Say the alphabet first. Me: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O - Q R S T U V W X Y Z Teacher: Wheres the P? Me: Running down my leg.

Teacher: are you chewing boy? this is the worst blowjob I've had all day!

Little Johnny got caught stealing in a FOOD 4 LESS and runs away from the cops. He runs towards his school and into his classroom. He asks his teacher "May I please hide in your classroom because I got caught stealing". The teacher says "Yes". Little Johnny first hides under a desk, but no, the cops can see him there. He then hides behind the door, but no, the cops can see him there. So the teacher suggested to little Johnny "Hide under my long, fluffy skirt". Little Johnny says "O.K." The cops arrive and ask the teacher "Have you seen a little boy around here?". The teacher replies "sorry, I haven't". When the cops left the classroom the teacher says" Johnny, the cops are gone.you can come out now". Little johnny replies" not yet, I got one more braid to go".

Teacher: Can you use harassment in a sentence? Student: Her mouth said no but her ass meant YES.

Teacher: Tim, if there are ten birds and a hunter shoots one, how many are left? Tim: None, because they all flue away. Teacher: Not what I meant, but I like the way you think. Tim: I have a question. Teacher: Yes? Tim: There are three women at an ice cream shop. One is biting her cone, one is licking her cone, and one is sucking her cone. Which one do you think is married? Teacher: The one sucking the cone? Tim: No, the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

Teacher : I need your email address to send you your missed work. You : ...... Teacher : ...... You : [email protected].

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family who does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs. "How do you know that?" asks his teacher. "I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said, 'I'll only eat that thing if you turn out the light.'"

Teacher: You have a D young man. What do u have to say for your self? Me:I know I have a D, just ask your daughter. Teacher: What!?!? Me:What?

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

A little boy named Charlie complains to his teacher, "I'm too smart for 1st grade!". The teacher then goes to the principal with Charlie. The principle first asks some questions: 3 x 3? 9 6 x 3? 18 6 squared? 36 The principal is impressed by Charlie's intelligence, and allows him to be in the 3rd grade. The teacher responds "HOLD THE DAMN PHONE!" and asks Charlie some questions. What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2? Harry then says 'Legs' What is in your pants that is not in mine? 'pockets' What does a dog do that a man steps into? 'pants' What goes in hard and comes out soft? 'bubble gum' (SHAME ON YOU!) What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on 3 legs? 'shake hands' What word starts with F, has a U and C in it, and ends with a K that means heat and excitement? 'firetruck' (SHAME ON YOU!) The Principal then says "F*ck that, he can go to 5th grade, since I got the last 7 questions wrong. (SHAME ON YOU!)

Teacher: Whoever can give me a sentence with the word hand some gets to go home. *Student puts her hand up* Teacher: Yes Lucy? Lucy: whenever I'm giving my boyfriend a blowjob and my jaw starts to hurt I use my hand some times.

Teacher: can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth? Student: drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king!

There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call Right then Zip jumped on the table Dick jumped in the teachers chair And Piss was punchin everyone in sight 3 minutes later the teacher back in and said Zip down Dick out and Piss in the corner.

At school, this class was having a small quiz contest based on general knowledge. The teacher asked a boy from the read team a riddle."What am I? I am long on men, short on boys, and hairy." The boy blushed. "Miss, I'm too shy to say it..." "Oh come on! Just say it, it's not even embarrassing!" Replied the teacher. "Okay....It's...A penis.." Said the boy. The teacher slaps him. "Idiot! It's a hand!" The whole class laughs.

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger tits you'd be a ten."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

little johny and little april went to sunday school on sunday and little april always fell asleep but one time the the teacher called on her and asked who is our creator little johny took a pin and stuck her in the butt and she woke up and said god all mighty and the teacher says right and then she falls back asleep then the teacher called on her again and who is our savior little johny pocked her in the butt again and she woke up again and said jesus christ then the teacher says right then she falls back asleep and then the teacher calls on her again and asked what did eve say to adam when she had her 23rd child and little johny poked her in the butt and she woke up again and she said if u stick that thing in me one more f*cking time i break it in two and shove it up ur ass

Teacher: why is there a cat in here? Kid: Beacuse I heard my daddy say to my mummy I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids are at school, so I'm saving him. Teacher: ...

If this gets 300 kicks votes then i will put a dildo on my teachers desk

Teacher: Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up? Jimmy: A lumberjack. Teacher: Why? Jimmy: So I can whack my wood all day long.

TEACHER: I shot Five Birds, Two of them are dead. how many are left?? STUDENT: None. The others flew away bcoz of the sound of the gun. TEACHER: No, It's a Math problem.. but I like your Style.. STUDENT: So, I have a question for you teacher... Three women were eating ice cream. One of them is Licking it. The other one, Sucking it and the Last one, Biting it.. Which one is Married?? TEACHER: The Sucking One. STUDENT: No, The one with the ring on her finger, But I like your Style...

Pupil: A pupil in class was banging her calculater on the table because it wasnt working. Teacher: Erm what are you doing!? Pupil: My calculater isnt woking. Teacher: Well you dont have to bang it on the table i mean im sure you wouldnt like it if i banged you on the table! Whole Class: [Laughing out loud] LOL Do you get it ??????????

Teacher: Class, we will do a project on our history, it would be nice to bring a picture of yourself, the younger the better Boy: So it doesn't matter how young we were Teacher: No, it doesn't matter *The next Day in class* Teacher: WHAT IS THIS!!! Boy: It is me, when i was younger *Teacher holds up picture of a sperm*

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Little Johnny isn't paying attention so she asks him this, "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one how many are left." Johnny says none. The teacher asks why. "Because the shot scared them off" says Johnny. Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"