Jokes

Dad, what happens if a condom tear? Look at yourself...

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because the water shot up her fanny (julie Aged 7)

You haven't got a friend in the world/and you smell like rotten meat/You're also stupid/my stupid, rotten-meat-scented twin/and you're the reason Dad's always always drinking/and why Mom is always drinking as well.

Do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is? Telling your dad you are gay.

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son: No Dad: She's the daughter of Bill Gates Son: Then okay Dad goes to Bill Gates Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son Bill Gates: No Dad: He is the CEO of the world bank Bill Gates: Then okay Dad goes to the president of world bank Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of your bank President: No! Dad: He's the son-in-law of Bill Gates President: Then okay! This is BUSINESS.

Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said, “my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect.” “Great” said the teacher. Michael got up and said, “my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife.” Good said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: “My Mommy, she is a substitute.” Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, “you mean she is a Prostitute?” “No”. Said Johnny, “my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes.”

Yo momma so fat You're dad went in , but never came out.

Deer Hunter. A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks. "Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son. "Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time." The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"

Yo Momma so fat when she walked onto the diving board the lifeguard said to your dad, "Sorry, you can't park here."

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

My dad is a workaholic. He works all the time. I lucked out -- that skips generations.

I've been a dad for awhile. I've noticed that certain things don't change about a child, no matter what stage of development they're in. When they're really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again: 'Watch out. Don't touch that. Don't put that in your mouth.' Now my daughter is almost a teenager. Are we all on the same page on that? Because I really don't want to have to draw a diagram for that one.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Went to a wedding today. It was just some girl from the office that I don’t even like that much, but I thought I’d show my face just to be sociable. Plus, her dad is paying for our honeymoon.

Billy woke up one morning and headed downstairs for breakfast. His dad was already there, reading the newspaper. Billy sat down and was about to eat until he thought about something. "Dad, why do we never see Mom in the morning," he inquired. His father lowered the newspaper to reveal a face of pure excitement, answering, "Look under the table, son."

Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school. Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?! Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Dad: So? Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him. Dad: That's my boy.

Ramu: Dad, can you write in the dark? Father: I think so. What do you want me to write? Ramu: Your name on this report card.

Girl: Daddy can I watch the T.V. Dad: Sure but just don't turn it on.

After watching the grades of his child, the angry father said, "After seeing your grades, I feel like teaching a lesson or two and want to give a tight slap." The child excitedly says, "Yes dad, lets go, I know the addresses of all my teachers, we must teach them a lesson."

When I was a kid me and my dad used to play hide and seek. He’s been gone for 20 years now, where are you dad?

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Oh Shit - A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?” “What! Are you crazy!” “Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend. “No! Someone might see us…” “It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.” “No! I said no!” “Baby… don’t be like that.” Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

son- dad you remember your first pussy lick? dad- yes son- what did the toungh feel like? dad- go f*ck your self

The teenage girl asks her dad if she can borrow the car. Dad says “Ok, but you know what you’ll have to do for it” So she starts to give him head but stops quickly and says “your dick tastes like sh1t!” Dad says “oh, that’s right; your brother has the car!”

little Johnny: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight? Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. little Johnny: Well, you could try.

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, for my birthday, he's gonna take me out and show me a good time. Couldn't sleep all night -- he's gonna show me a good time. So, we get up at eight o'clock in the morning, get in the car, drive for hours and hours. He'd take me down to Disneyland. He'd push me up against the fence in the parking lot, and he'd say, 'See that? That's a good time. Come on, we're going home.'

If you dad walks you to school because you're both in the same class. You might be a redneck

My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.