Jokes

Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull." "Oh I see," said the teacher, "but I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have," said Johnny, "it has to be the bull"

A culinary student was learning to make a proper gravy. His teacher asked, "Did you start with a roux?" "No, too time consuming," replied the student. The teacher sternly replied, "Rouxs are meant to be enforced!"

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it. "Johnny," began the teacher, "I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey? "It's the flea, teacher." "What flea?" she asked. The boy faithfully replied, "The Bible verse says, 'Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.' So there's Mary, there's Jesus, and there's the flea."

Teacher: If today is Christmas Eve, what is the day after Christmas? A student quickly replied, Christmas Adam!

This past spring my church was flooded along with other places in the area. On the day back one of the Sunday School teacher decided to have a lesson on Noah and The Ark. She asked the question: "Did you know that all the animals came on the ark in pairs?" After some discussion, the teacher's fears were realizes as Little Johnny was waving his hand to be called on. Little Johnny volunteered, "Teacher, all but the worms! They came on board in the apples."

When a teacher asked my six-year-old nephew why his handwriting wasn't as neat as usual, he responded, "I'm trying a new font."

A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly. "I'm thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts." No hands went up. "It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail." The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand. "It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it's excited?" Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?" "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.

The lengthy recital had drawn to a close, ice-cream and cake had been served and the teacher was bidding the students good-bye. One of the little performers had brought her small brother with her. As he was about leave, the teacher beamingly said, "Well Bobby, did you enjoy the recital?" "Yes," answered Bobby, "all but the music."

The teacher told her class to copy the math problems she had written on the board and to draw a line between each problem. When she was grading the papers she noticed that little Susie had drawn flowers between the problems. Teacher to Susie: "These are very pretty flowers, but why did you draw them on your math assignment?" Susie: "I had to draw flowers because I don't know how to draw lions."

A teacher asks a little boy to define the word fascinate. The little boy says, "I have a blue sweater with nine buttons, but I can only fasten eight."

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free." Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

A little girl struggling to complete a problem in class asks her teacher for help. The teacher looks at the page and tells the student, "Do not worry, with all the resources here we can figure it out. The answer is a foot." The girl looks at the page with a confused gaze and says, "But its math class!"

A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your favorite person in the Bible?" Susie said, "King Solomon." "Can you tell us why?" "Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals." "What do you mean?" "He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines."

Mrs. Cole, the science teacher, took her students out of school for a social experiment. They arrived at a farmhouse and she placed two buckets in front of a donkey – one filled with water and the other with alcohol. The donkey drank all the water while leaving the alcohol untouched. Mrs. Cole asked the students, “What did you learn from this experiment?” One boy replied, “One who does not drink alcohol is a donkey!”

The teacher asked her student to write on the chalkboard the number 55. The student asked, "How do I do that?"   Teacher replied, "Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5."   The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired, "What's wrong?" "I don't know which side to write the other 5?" 

“Teacher, I ain’t got no pencils,” says little Tom. The teacher corrects him immediately saying, "The correct way to say it is, I don’t have any pencils, he doesn’t have any pencils, or they don’t have any pencils.' Do you understand?" “But teacher..." "Yes, Tommy?" "What happened to all the pencils?”

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldplate, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldplate," announced little Joey, "there's something' I can't figure out." "What is that Joey?" asked Goldplate. "Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you are right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldplate. "So what is your question?" "What I want to know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grownups doing?”

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?" A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

"What is the difference between a teacher and a train?" asked the principal. One student raises her hand and replies, "One say, 'Spit out your gum,' and the other says, 'Choo choo choo!'"

Teacher: "School starts 8am, young man. Why are you coming in at 8:30am? Student: "Sir, by all means, you can start the class without me. No need to wait."

Teacher to the class: "How can we keep our school clean?" Student: "By staying at home?"

The school teacher gave a pupil two apples. One was big the other was small. Then she said: "When your brother comes up and asks you for one of the apples which one are you going to give him?" The student thought about it for a minute then replied: "Are we talking about my little brother or my big brother?"

Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math. "Son, can you explain this to me?" "Well dad, the teacher didn't have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!"

Teacher: What is an island? Student : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side. Teacher : On one side? Student : Yes, on top!

Teacher: What's 5 plus 3? Student: Um... I don't know? Teacher: You silly boy, it is 8. Student: Wait... yesterday you said that 4 and 4 was 8?!?!

A class goes on school field trip to a museum. A little boy breaks a vase then reads about it's history. He pretend it never happened. The school went on with the field trip until security stopped the boy and confronted him. The teacher asks the boy, "Why didn't you tell someone you broke the vase?" The boy replies, "I didn't think it would matter, it said it was priceless,"

My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers?" One girl knew. "Because it might be past the sell-by date."

My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll call and he never heard his name. "Why didn’t anyone tell me my name was William?!" he complained.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her third grade class. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” answered one little girl. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the girl. “It means carrying a child.”

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"