Jokes

1.Happiness is only a shoe shop away 2.If you fart it is blamed on the nearest man 3.It is always the mans fault if the car goes wrong 4.Chocolate can really solve problems 5.You can end a fight by crying 6.You have the right to be a pain every month 1.you always get the blame if something goes wrong 2.the kids always see you as the one that tells them to tidy their room and that they can't get a dog 3.The kitchen 4.People annoy you at totally the wrong time with their problems 5. The week after your period no one likes you 6.If you break up your relationship you only get half your cds back

The answer is simple: you did. See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fcuking treated you. At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease. Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?” Well, once again, you did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do: 1.) Build a time machine. 2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass. 3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it. I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you. If you were five years younger. So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fcuked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullsh1t and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fcuking want you, now. Sincerely, A Recovering Nice Guy.

Q:Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain? A:Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!

In Taylor Swift's song trouble, she lied. She said that her ex Harry was trouble. But which one of them has been in a whole bunch of unsuccessful relationships and has songs to prove it? Maybe its not Taylor's exes who are trouble, maybe she's trouble.

The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

The most important element in a relationship is communication, and women are much better at verbalizing their needs and their emotions than men 'cause they've been practicing for millions of years. Since the dawn of time, women have been getting together with their friends and discussing men, striving to reach an understanding... While men on the other hand, for millions of years, we've been getting together with our friends, looking at women and saying, 'Hey, nice butt!' So, we're really retarded in comparison.

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.

Duck tape fixes everything... Except relationships because she won't let you put it over her mouth.

The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

This guy is sentenced to prison, and on his first day in jail, he meets his new cellmate… … His new cellmate is a very large, mean-looking beast of a man, whose nickname is ‘Butch.’ He immediately asks, “Do you want to be the husband or the wife?” The new inmate thinks to himself, “Well, if I have to do this, I might as well be the husband in this relationship,” after which he says to his intimidating cellmate, “I would like to be the husband.” Butch is at least 300 pounds and he grins and replies, “Great! Now come over here and suck your wife’s dick.”

If all you do in your relationship is cry, you need to ask yourself if you’re dating a human being or an onion.

Two years into our relationship, my girlfriend commented that she doesn’t think I’m committed. “Of course I am, baby,” I assured her. “Okay,” she smiled kissing me on the cheek, “make sure you call me in the morning.” “I will,” I replied, pulling out my phone. “What’s your number?”

I’m making a graph of my past relationships. I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis.

Why can’t the Pillsbury Doughboy get into a lasting relationship? He gives his partners yeast infections.

I joined an internet dating site. My first date was with a girl at a hospital. When I went to meet her, she said, “I don’t know if the website told you but I only have a few weeks to live.” So I said to her, “I don’t know if the website told you, but I was only looking for a short-term relationship!”

Girlfriend: Mick, I’m miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’ve lost 10 lbs. Me: So you’re saying it’s over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, “Correct me if I’m wrong but….”Don’t do it!! It’s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!

My relationships with women have sucked ever since I began dating and picking up babes. I met this gal in a bar Tuesday night and took her back to my apartment. I was getting ready to shag her and she started crying. I said, “What’s wrong? Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

The challenge of modern relationships: how to prove more interesting than the other’s smartphone.

In truly successful relationships… …no one wears the pants.

My girlfriend says that having a small penis isn’t an issue in our relationship.. … … I still wish she didn’t have one though.

I've been dating the same girl for a while. Occasionally, we still fight 'cause, you know, there's still arguments. Every relationship you have arguments -- because bitches be crazy.

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, ‘George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?’ George replies, ‘God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.’ ‘Wow, that’s incredible,’ the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George’s wife. ‘Ethel,’ he says, ‘George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! The light goes off?’ ‘Oh my God!’ Ethel exclaims. ‘He’s pissing in the fridge again!!! =====

I have felt run-down for over a month, so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I told him my symptoms: Listless, depressed, no girlfriend, no dates, frustrated, no goal in life. The only bright spot in my life was waking up with “morning wood.” My doctor took notes and I gave his office a urine sample and I went to the blood center to give a blood sample. I just got a call from him. I have a common Hawaiian disease. He said the cure was to get myself into a steady relationship with an understanding girlfriend. “What is that Hawaiian disease called, doc?” I asked. “It’s called ‘Lackanookie’.”

I was in a relationship for like eight-and-a-half years, and then I was re-released into the wild not too long ago. So, my internal 'How To Read a Woman Manual' has like a drawing of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower on the cover, holding hands in a rumble seat and sipping sodas and strangling communists. And I'm just waiting until I can unzip my pants and find a family of raccoons living down there.

Anybody get a random bitch phone call? Oh, you know what I mean. The women that found the phone number, then call it. This woman called me up, talking about, 'Look, I don't know who you is, but I found your phone number in my man's pocket. And you better not be fooling around with my man.' So I said, 'Honey, I don't know who you is either, but I'm gonna give you a little woman-to-woman advice. If you're having a problem in your relationship -- you think your man is cheating on you -- that's something you need to talk over with your man...' So I woke him up, gave him the phone and let her talk to him.

There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hooker.

I should have known that my last relationship wasn't gonna last because it's not a good sign when your girlfriend's favorite position in bed is the fetal position.

Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

I love creature comfort. That's why when I'm coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there's a woman in bed with me.