Jokes

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Norks Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs and says, "You smell kind of norky. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not norks," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the norks are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the norkiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought norks were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

Drunks Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

I asked my father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone. "I had just the worst day," he replied. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!' The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"

A man came in late for work one day for the second time that week. His boss called him into her office and said, “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said, “My clock didn’t go off and I overslept.” She replied, “You could at least tell me something I haven’t heard before.” He replied, “You are looking lovely today.”

A young secretary in my office was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation. She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married. "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?" "What, and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heartbeat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, really? WERE you?"

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, as you can see my suit is still damp, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Gregson's helicopter, landed on top of his skyscraper, and ran over here." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

John: I hear your having trouble at the office. Fred: Yes! The Director thinks the bookkeeper has been embezzling money. John: What brought him to that conclusion? Fred: The auditor found an account marked "Accounts Deceivable".

Mr. Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing company. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr. Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "Debits on the left, credits on the right."

Management vs. Solutions... After moving into our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit! If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office. In all seriousness, he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window: "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."

A newspaper editor announces that there's enough money in the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters huddle and send a spokesman to say they're against it. "Against it? Why?" the editor asks. "First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough to put it on an order form. Second, I don't believe that anybody here can play one if we had it. And third, if you got that much money, we think you should get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

A sign in a Shoe Repair Store: - We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you. At an Optometrist's Office: - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. On a Plumber's truck: - We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On an Electrician's truck: - Let us remove your shorts. At a Car Dealership: - The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: - No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay... At the Electric Company: - We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: - Drive carefully. We'll wait. In a Chicago Radiator Shop: - Best place in town to take a leak. Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: - Caution... this truck is full of Political Promises.

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

The government has a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. The congressman whose district it's in says someone might steal from it at night, so congress creates a night watchman, GS-4 position and hires a person for the job. Then the congressman asks, "How does the watchman do his job with out instruction?" So congress creates a planning position and hires two people - one person to write the instructions, a GS-12, and one person to do time studies, a GS-11. "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" the congressman asks. So Congress creates a quality control position and hires a GS-9 to do quality control studies and a GS-11 to write the reports. Then the congressman asks "How are these people going to get paid?" So congress authorizes a positions of timekeeper, GS-9, and payroll officer, GS-11, and two people are hired to fill the slots. "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" the congressman asks. So they hire three people, and administrative officer, GS-13, an assistant administrative officer GS-12, and a legal secretary, a GS-8. On the eve of the next election season the congressman looks at the cost and says, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $40,000 over budget. We must cutback overall costs." So they lay off the night watchman.

A manager in a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

A secretary has been to London with her boss. When she is back at the office one of her colleagues asks her if the boss has shown her Big Ben. "Yes, already on the boat."

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes.".

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why? The CEO said,"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, She wants her sign back!”

A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places. Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load? I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil. Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal? Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!

Regarding Face book Co-founder Edward Saverin's renouncing his US citizenship to avoid paying taxes. One thing for which you have to give Obama credit for when he took office, one of the biggest problems was illegal immigrants streaming over our border. 3 1/2 years later he's sure cured that problem. Now many are trying to get out. (To avoid paying taxes)