Jokes

My father, a retired factory worker, keeps reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of his younger years. Then without skipping a beat, he'll say something like, "but it really isn't so bad nowadays." Then he goes right back to how nice he had it as a teenager back in the 60's. Then, right away it's back to the present, with "but technology today makes everything so much easier." It's back and forth, back and forth from the present to the past, past to the present. "You know dad," I finally told him, "you're nothing but a baby boomerang!"

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?" His son replied, "$30 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas. After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, I bumped into an old friend of mine, Rob, from high school. “You look great Rob, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be at least 65 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” I exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Rob. “That’s incredible,” I said, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked Rob. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Rob. “Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked Rob. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!" “Getting married?!” I asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! Rob looked at me, smiled, and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Father: "Take a look at and learn something from your classmate Lucy. She got an A on the last exam." Son: "Actually Dad, that's the reason I failed... I WAS looking at her."

Boy to boy: 1 minute Boy to dad: 30 seconds Boy to mom: 2 minutes Boy to girl: 1 hour Girl to girl: 2 hours Girl to boy: 1 Missed call Husband to wife: 15 seconds Wife to husband: 15 missed calls

A boy says to his friend, "Today my test results are out and my dad is at home. If I fail in one subject, text me saying ‘good morning to you’. If I fail in two, text me ‘Good morning to you and to your dad.’" His friend agreed. Minutes later the boy gets a text from his friend. “Good morning to you and to your family and to your neighbors also!"

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

Banta's son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool. Banta: Give him a glass of water.

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?" The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!" The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England. When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!

"Dad, I am hungry." "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad." "Dad, I'm serious." "I thought you were Hungry?" "Are you kidding me?" "Nope, I'm Dad."

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks dad. Dad: No problem Quarantine.

Herman: Mother, can I change my name? Mother: Why do you want to change your name? Herman: Because Dad says that he’s going to spank me as sure as my name is Herman.

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey." "Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

“Mom, dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation. “I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!” “Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” gushed her mom giving, her a big hug. “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!” “Tell us more about him” said her dad, “does he have any money?” “Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”

Son: Dad do you believe in ghost? Dad: No. Son: Our maid said ghost exist. Dad: We don't have maid. Mom: Meet me out in the car right now. Dad: Why? Mom: We don't have son. Dad: Wait.... I am not married..!!

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart. When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl “Love” inspired in the same spirit as Carol’s unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Carol’s wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. “What happened?!” she asked, running to him. He waved her closer, and whispered, “Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name!”

Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?” Dad: (hands son a phone) “Okay, now just call someone.” Son: “Why can’t you do it?” Dad: “Because that would be a DADdial.”

"Oh, I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.

"Dad," I said to my father on Father's Day, "it's Father's Day today! As a gift, I want to take you and mom out for a great day!" "Thank you, my son," said my father, taking a deep draw from his cigarette. "If you really want to get me a gift, just take your mom out for the whole day."

Why was the little shoe sad? Because his Mother was a sneaker and his Dad was a loafer.

BARBER: (To a long-haired teenager) You're next. TEENAGER: I'm not waiting for a haircut. BARBER: What are you waiting for? TEENAGER: Nothing. My Dad's looking for me and this is the last place in the world he would look.

Daughter: "Mom, are you gaining some weights?" Mother: "Hon, it's because your dad always makes me angry. When I am mad, I eat a lot." Daughter: "No wonder dad is bigger."

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk to the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

“Daddy, I inherited my intelligence from you, didn’t I?” “That’s right my clever girl!” “That makes sense, because mommy still has hers.”

A 4 year old boy was asked to give thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting. Suddenly, the mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "It's already 3 pm! I'm about to miss my train!" She begins to put her coat on in a hurry. At this moment the son-in-law's six-year-old daughter runs up to her and before her dad can do anything, she says, "Don't hurry Granny, Daddy set the clock two hours ahead."