Jokes

Little Johnny came home after school: "Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language." "Why?" asked his father. "Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?" "How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father. "That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

A little boy pulled down his pants and asked his dad, "Is this my Vagina?" Yes A little girl pulled down his pants and asked her mom, " Is this my Penis" Yes Next Day, They Were Learning About Private Parts. Boy said a boy has a Vagina Girl said a girl has a Penis Teacher said "no" Boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. They pulled down their pants and Figured out.

Teacher: You boy, what’s your name? Boy: Mickey Jones. Teacher: We’ll call you Jones here. We don’t use first names. Boy: My dad won’t like that - he takes offence if people take the Mickey out of my name.

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his ass, and says alright go show your mother. Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma. Hey grandma look im white, she beats his ass (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11? The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, "On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night."

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation. The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, “Lie back and relax. This won’t hurt a bit.” The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.” The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because all she had said was, “Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.”

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"

    An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.   Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body.  When he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.  Mystified, he pulled out the cork and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place.     He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting,  "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"     Annoyed by the interruption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."     When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.  Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song he quickly replaced the cork in the cadavers butt and said, "What's so surprising about that?  I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, “When you’re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.” The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘ Look, he’s moving!’”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

Once upon a time, a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him “you are driving me crazy Basheer”… …. …. One day his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career… The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city … 25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform.. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful …when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually she died… The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner…… (If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages.)

Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future? Jimmy: I want to be a pilot. Willy: I want to be a doctor. Mary: I want to be a good mother. Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.

Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. An angel asks, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man." The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids." The last guy says, "I would like them to say -- LOOK, he's moving!"

Teacher - Get rid of your drink. No drinks in class. Student - I got it from my doctor he told me to drink it Teacher - Who's your doctor? Student - Dr. Pepper

Teacher: Class when you grow up what do you want to be and why? Student 1: I want to be a doctor, to help those who are in need. Student 2: I want to be a lawyer, to also help those who are in need. Student 3: When I grow up, I'll probably be the one in need...

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

People think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o'clock every single day. No, no -- go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o'clock. You'll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

Teacher: "Bob has 36 candies, he ate 29 of them. How many candies does bob have left? Student: "Diabetes, Bob has diabetes"

When the teacher told us to take a break I said can I take a break from school

teacher: we are all writing poems today! emo: roses are black violets are black my soul is black im going to kill myself

I had a kid who threatened to kill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Kill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

My teacher said take all the balls to the classroom, so I told all the boys to go back into the classroom.

A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill." Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill." Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."

Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?" Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"

That moment when you get a boner in class and the teacher calls you up front........."good boy miranda! Calm down girl!"