Jokes

A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers… Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?” “My car broke down, Officer,” says the woman, calmly. “Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer… “Oh, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied.

A man in an office sees a blonde next to a fax machine crying her eyes out. He asks her what’s wrongs and she says “It’s this machine! I can’t get it to send a fax!” The man shows her how to do and the piece of paper goes through the machine, at this the blonde sobs loudly again and says “But it’s still here!”

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right boob is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that it "IS" hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your boob is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?" "The sucker called again!"

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, "You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, "Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"

A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand. The doctor asks, "How did this happen?" She replies, "Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then...just before I pulled the trigger... I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger".....ab!!!!!

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams inagony. She pushes her knee and screams,pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde robbed a supermarket. While the robbery was in progress, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack. He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next. When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag. He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A blonde who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren. She didn’t have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?” “Yes, I do, officer,” she politely replied. “Interesting,” said the officer. “Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?”

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?” “Why, officer?” asks the blonde. “Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.” “Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions. “Excuse me, officer,” the blonde said, “how do I get to the Capitol Building?” The officer said, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off. Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?” The blonde said, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

Three women were at the doctor's office for the second trimester check up. The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top! The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on bottom. The blonde grabbed her head between her hands. "Oh, crap! Puppies."

A blonde woman is driving her car down the highway going way, way too fast. She passes a patrol car and is immediately pulled over. The police officer, who is also a blonde woman, comes over to the window and asks for her license. Dumbfounded, the blonde driver frantically tears through her pocketbook but can't seem to find it. She asks the officer, "Well what does a license look like?". The officer says, "it's a small card with you picture on it." So she starts looking again and pulls out a small mirror. "Aha! I found it!" she says, and hands it to the officer. The officer looks at it, hands it back and says "Your free to go." The driver asks why and the officer responds, "I didn't know you were a cop."

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside. Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor. The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone. It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so. I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at hundred kilometers per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back. We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign that said: “Keep Death Off Our Roads”. Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians. As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again. She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a gun. She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen - hanging from her left nostril. She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken. She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were slashed. He was dead. I said: “Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill”. So I took her for a drive to calm her nerves. Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast - breaking three of my fingers. We had a flat tire, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the flat tire. Then I took her home and as I was kissing her goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it. As I was giving her a final good-night kiss, she closed her legs and broke my nose.

A guy walked into his friend’s office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He’s bald."

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started. After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress. On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again. On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?” “Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”

A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.” “Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Wyoming Sheriff’s Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other ? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde replied, “I sure did! This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, duhhhhhhh! With only one eye and one ear he certainly can’t wear glasses!”

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you women jump off of the building?" The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf."