Jokes

Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break... "I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?" "go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money" So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'. He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said. "Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars. Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out. The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

I was practicing telling my dad that I’m gay in front of our parrot. I changed my mind about telling him after he cut the parrot’s head off.

-Texting Her Father- Daughter: JIMMY WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH IS IT BC OF THE SLUT YOU CHEATED ON WITH ME :( Daughter: oh sorry dad that was meant for Jimmy Dad: On a totally unrelated topic have you seen my shotgun anywhere?

I was named after my Dad. Which make sense, he was born before me.

Dad: ”Excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and this is clearly a peanut butter and jelly” Mom: ”Did you just call me waitress?”

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "I don't know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one and Daddy totally freaked out and Mommy fainted"

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, “Dave, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.” Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison. He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!” “The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name-she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you - ASAP!” “Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks - utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

A little girl says, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister.” Trying to be funny, the daddy says, “Honey, you do have a sister.” “I do?” questions the confused youngster. “Sure,” responds the dad. “You just don’t see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door.” The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, “You mean like my other Daddy does?”

Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?" And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"

Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.

One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between 'technically' and 'reality.' "Son, I won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep with a bum for $500,000 and ask your sister is she'll sleep with the garbageman for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up to his mom. "Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?" "You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to his sister's bedroom. "Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?" "I sure would!" exclaims his sister. "Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?" "Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!"

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently. Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time. Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period. He said: "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

My kid asked me a funny question today, he said “Dad do you know anything about contraception?”, I said “If I did you wouldn’t be here.

Teacher: Tyrone, spell dad Tyrone: G-O-N-E

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

My oldest son come up to me today and said, ‘I’m feeling suicidal, dad.’ ‘Hang in there, son’ I said pointing at the spare room.

Dad asked his son: Whenever I beat you how do u stop your anger? Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet. Dad asked: How does that help u? Son: I clean it with your toothbrush

The five-year-old wanted to caddy for his dad. … … … “You’ve got to be able to count my strokes,” the father said to the boy. “How much is six plus nine plus seven?” … … “Five,” the boy said. … … “Okay,” the father said with a grin. “Let’s go.”

A kid is at school and the teacher told him his homework was to find out what the 5th letter of the alphabet was. He went home and asked his dad. Kid: Dad what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? Because his dad is watching the footy he shouts Dad: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!! He goes up to his mum and asks her what the 5th letter of the alphabet is. Kid: Mum what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? Because his mum is on the phone she replies Mum: Shut up! He goes and asks his Little Brother what the 5th letter of the alphabet was. Kid: Little Brother what is the 5th letter of the Alphabet? Because he was watching the wiggles his response was Little Brother: Chugga Chugga Chugga in my big red car! The boy goes and asks his IPod what the 5th letter of the Alphabet was Kid: IPod what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? IPod: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson! The next day he goes to school and the teacher asks him what the 5th letter of the Alphabet was. Teacher: What is the 5th letter of the alphabet? Kid: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!! Teacher: Excuse me! Kid: Shut up! Teacher: Who do you think you are?!?!?? Kid: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson! Teacher: How do you think you're going to get away with this? Kid: Chugga Chugga Chugga in my big red car!

“Dad, can you write in the dark?” “I think so. What is it you want me to write?” “Your name on this report card.”

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

a kid has a shower with his mom and says dont look up so he does and said mommy whats that the mum said the garage sweetie the next day the kid has a shower with his dad and the dad said dont look up so he did and he said whats that daddy the dad said the harley that night the kid sleeps in his mom and dads bed and the dad comes in a says copme on time to move i have to park the harley in the garage and the little boy said i just did that daddy

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good but gurarded laugh at the following reaction by my two children. We - along with a bunch of other relatives - were following the hearse of my late great aunt. Then my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, “Dad, what’s going to happen to us when you die?” … My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone: “We’ll go in the limousine dummy.”

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland? Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

one day a little boy and a little girl were taking a bath because they didn't know what anything meant yet. The little girl looked down and saw the boys penis and asked "what's that?". The boy said "i don't know i will ask my daddy.". And then the boy looked down and saw her vagina and asked "what's that?". The girl said "i don't know, i will ask my mommy.". So they both go home and ask there parents. The boy said "daddy what's this?". His dad said "son that's your car, you try and put it in a girls garage.". The boy said oh and ran upstairs to play. The girl said "mommy what's this?'. The mom said "honey that's your garage, you don't let boys park there cars in there.". The girl said "oh." and ran upstairs to play. The next day the little boy and girl were takink another bath and told eachother what there parents said. The boy remembering what his dad said tried to put his 'car' in her 'garage'. A couple minutes later the girl ran home crying with blood all over her. The mom said "honey what happened?!?!?". The girl said "a boy tried to put his car in my garage so i slit his back tires!!!".

My mum and dad were arguing earlier. My mum said, “If you don’t like it, why did you marry me?” My dad replied, “Because your sister was already taken.” Respect dad, respect!

It is little jimmys birthday again and he is alowwed to do anything he wants. His mum is in the shower so Jimmy asks "mum can I come in with you?" His mum replies "Yes but don't look up or down!" so little Jimmy climbs in the shower with his mum, at first he tried not to look up or down but he had to. He looked up and said "mummy what are they?" His mum replies again " they are flash lights," Jimmy looked down and said "what's that?" His mum replies a third time "it's a cave." Later on that night jimmys dad was taking a shower, little Jimmy asked the same question that he had asked his mum the first time " dad can I come in with you?" Dad replies "yes but don't look down!" Jimmy once again got in the shower and couldn't help but look down, he looked down and said "daddy what's that?" His dad replies "it's a snake" So when jimmys mum and dad were in bed he asked them if he could sleep with them. His mum said yes so he got into bed with them......... Sometime later around midnight Jimmy screamed " MUM QUICK TURN ON THE FLASH LIGHTS THE SNAKE IS GOING INTO THE CAVE!!!!!