Jokes

Q: What did the cross-eyed teacher say? A: I can't control my pupils!

A teacher was testing her students' knowledge of words' antonyms. She asked, "What is the opposite go?" A student answered, "Stop." "Very good," the teacher replied. "What is the opposite of adamant?" Another student said, "Eveant."

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework? A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?" Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?" Student: "Future impossible tense."

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, I said, fascinate." Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life." The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate." Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

Yo mama is so stupid that when a teacher told the class nobody is perfect, he replied, "I want to become nobody!"

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok" A five years girl answered "Light", "Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?" "Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

The following conversation took place in school. Teacher: "So we are all descended from Adam and Eve." Young kid: "My dad says we came from apes." Teacher: "That's probably true for your family Abdul."

Little Johnny wasn't a very good at speller. One day, during a spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After thinking a few seconds, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?." The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?" Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.". By -arthur

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a blackeye. His father see’s it and says “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me! “Johnny”, the father said. You don’t do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad” Johnny said. “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes. 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "I don't know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one and Daddy totally freaked out and Mommy fainted"

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently. Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time. Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period. He said: "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

Teacher: Tyrone, spell dad Tyrone: G-O-N-E

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad. Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher. Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!" Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

A kid is at school and the teacher told him his homework was to find out what the 5th letter of the alphabet was. He went home and asked his dad. Kid: Dad what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? Because his dad is watching the footy he shouts Dad: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!! He goes up to his mum and asks her what the 5th letter of the alphabet is. Kid: Mum what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? Because his mum is on the phone she replies Mum: Shut up! He goes and asks his Little Brother what the 5th letter of the alphabet was. Kid: Little Brother what is the 5th letter of the Alphabet? Because he was watching the wiggles his response was Little Brother: Chugga Chugga Chugga in my big red car! The boy goes and asks his IPod what the 5th letter of the Alphabet was Kid: IPod what is the 5th letter of the alphabet? IPod: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson! The next day he goes to school and the teacher asks him what the 5th letter of the Alphabet was. Teacher: What is the 5th letter of the alphabet? Kid: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!! Teacher: Excuse me! Kid: Shut up! Teacher: Who do you think you are?!?!?? Kid: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson! Teacher: How do you think you're going to get away with this? Kid: Chugga Chugga Chugga in my big red car!

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said, “my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect.” “Great” said the teacher. Michael got up and said, “my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife.” Good said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: “My Mommy, she is a substitute.” Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, “you mean she is a Prostitute?” “No”. Said Johnny, “my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes.”

After watching the grades of his child, the angry father said, "After seeing your grades, I feel like teaching a lesson or two and want to give a tight slap." The child excitedly says, "Yes dad, lets go, I know the addresses of all my teachers, we must teach them a lesson."

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said; let's see what you have accomplished. He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. What do you have to say about this Johnny? Well dad at lease you know I'm not cheating.

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

Son: “I got expelled.” ….. ….. Dad: “How?” ….. …… Son: “I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard.” ….. ….. Dad: “That’s pretty dumb but-” … … Son: “Then my teacher told me to go back up to the board…” … Dad: “Ok?” Son: “And rub 1 out.”

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Me: dad i got detention today. Dad: why? Me:the teacher pointed at stick at me and said there is an idiot at the end of this stick. Dad: then what? Me: i asked which end ? Dad: that's my boy

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too. Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Avalanche fan," she retorts. "Then," asks her teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I'm a Wings fan too," she responds. The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" "Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Avalanche fan."

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?" "Shut up!" "Are you trying to get in trouble?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" "Go! Go! Go!" "How many spankings do you want? "64! 64! 64!" "Who do you think you are?" "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.” His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy. His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.” The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said Shut Up, so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said YES YES YES!!! At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”