Jokes

Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's." Did you copy hers?, she asked. Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly." Student: "A dead bird, sir."

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job. Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. "Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I bet it's some chocolates!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. "What is it?" she said. "A puppy!"

A teacher was giving a lesson and was telling the pupils that we came from Adam and Eve. A hand went up and the kid said, "But my dad told me that we come from apes, Miss?" Miss replied, "Stay out of this one, Leroy!"

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make. First the teacher asks,"what sound does a cow make?" Susie raises her hand and says moo. "Good job susie" says the teacher. Then she asks what sound does a duck make? Billy raises his hand and says quack. Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand and says," Get your black ass out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’ The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’ One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly… ‘I think the man would have said - Son of a bitch!! A talking pig!’

Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Kids: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Kids: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Kid: Homework!

Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?" Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

Teacher asks her class, “What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?” Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, “I know, teacher, I know.” Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says, “Teacher, it is a cock.” Teacher asks the class, “Why is a cock on a weather vane?” “I know, I know, teacher,” says Johnny. “OK, Johnny, Why?” “Because, teacher, if it had a cunt on it, the wind would whistle right through it.”

A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy's picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. 'The flight to Egypt,' he replied. 'I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,' she said. 'But who's the fourth person?' 'Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot!'

At my 40th high school reunion a friend asked me, ‘Why didn’t we have a drug problem when we were growing up?’ … …. I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young: … … I was drug to church on Sunday morning. … …. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. …. …. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. …. …. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the pastor. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom or grandma’s garden and flower beds. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, the USA would be a better place. God bless the parents who drugged us.

A Paksitani Boy Got Admission In An American School Teacher : Whats Your Name ? Boy : Ahmad Teacher : No, Now You R In America Your Name Is Johny From Today. Boy Went Home. Mom Asked: How Was The Day Ahmad? Boy : Im An American Now Call Me Johnny. Mom & Dad Both Got Offended And Beat Him Up. Next Day He Was Back To School, All Bruised. Teacher :What Happend Johnny? Boy : Ma’am, Just 4 Hours After I Became American, I Was Attacked By Two Pakistanis.

Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map. Maria:This is it. Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America? Class:Maria did.

Teacher: Who succeeded the first President of the USA? Class: The second one!

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.” The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.” Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.” The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father. He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria.

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school... Teacher: "Whats your name?" Boy: "Nadir" Teacher: "No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today." Boy went home and his mother asked: "How was the day Nadir?" Boy: "I am an American now, so call me Johnny." Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised... Teacher: "What happened Johnny?" Boy: "Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists."

Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America. Shamu: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America? Ramu: Shamu!

Teacher: Class, who can go to the board and show us the map of the North America? George: Yes, ma'am. Teacher: Okay George. George: Here is the map of North America. Teacher: Class, who discovered North America? Class: George!

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?” GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L” TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Teacher: "Jill, where is the America on the map?" Jill: "Right there, ma'am." Teacher: "Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America." Jack: "Jill."

TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon? Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night.

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother." One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly. The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother. He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?” The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!” The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?” The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.” To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions. "Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher. "Nope. I haven't," said the dumb jock. "Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages."

L ittle Willie had a gambling problem. He’d bet on anything. One day, Willie’s father consulted his teacher. The teacher said. “Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We’ll trap him into a big wager that he’ll lose.” Willie’s father agreed to cooperate with the plan. The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, “Willie, I want you to remain after class.” When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, ” Don’t say it, Miss Brown; I know what you’re going to say, but you’re a liar!” “Willie!” the startled teacher said.” What are you talking about.” “Your a fake!” Willie continued.”How can I believe anything you tell me? You’ve got this blond hair on top, but I’ve seen your bush and it’s pitch black!” Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, “Willie that isn’t true.” “I’ll bet a dollar it is !” Willie challenged. The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson.”Make it five dollars and you have a bet,” she said. “You’re on!” Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head. Willie hung his head. “You win,” he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn’t wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. “Mr. Gaines,” she said, “I think we’ve finally taught him his lesson.” “The hell we have,” the father muttered. “This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he’d see your pussy before the day was over.

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'." "I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

A teacher asks a blonde girl to use "Handsome" in a sentence. She says, "When I'm suckin dick, and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome times."