Jokes

Q: What does a baby computer call its dad? A: Data

Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him: "Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!" "I do not want," says the little one. "Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful." "I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest. "My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow." And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? ‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?

A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, "Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"

I walked into my grandparents house today and caught my grandad shagging a young blonde woman on the sofa. “Fcuking hell grandad,” I said, “You promised me that you’d spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed.” “I did,” he replied, “Doesn’t your nan look great!?”

A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says, "Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb." When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

This teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’ She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. “Carl,” she says. Carl says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.” “Very good,” says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious,” and the teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!” Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. “Yes, Johnny?” she says. Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, “Jesus, it’s gonna take that c*nt ages to finish that fence.”

This brother was banging his sister, and he says, "You f*ck like Mom," and she laughs. He says, "What?" She says, "That's what Dad said."

Hi, is your dad Irish because my c*ck is Dublin.

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "And why not, darling?", the father asked. You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Man: Is your dad black? Girl: No. Why do you ask? Man: Because you’ve stolen my heart.

Guy: When does your dad get out of prison? Girl: He’s not in prison. Guy: Well if I was your dad I’d be in prison.

Is your dad a lumberjack because you give me wood.

Is your dad a baker? Because you’ve got some nice buns!

Is your dad retarded because I think you’re really special?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

Your so ugly when you were born your mom said "Oh what a treasure" and your dad said "Yeah le´ts bury it."

    Dear Son,     I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.     This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.     It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.     The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.     We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.     About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.     Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three days.     Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was driving and the other two were in the back.  The driver got out.  He rolled down the window and swam to safery.  The other 2 drowned.  They couldn't get the tail gate down.     Not much more news this time.  Nothing much happened.  If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one. Love, Ma

Two West Virginia hicks get married and spend their honeymoon in a local motel. Right before they consummate the marriage, the women says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin." The man is visibly upset and storms off to his family's home. He tells them what happened and his dad says, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"

What did the redneck girl say when she woke up with her dad on top of her. "Watch it Pa or you'll crush my smokes!"

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby." The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but daddy loves ya."

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has 'mater samiches The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services The South has family reunions The North has switchblade knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails The North has double last names The South has double first names The North has Ted Kennedy The South has Jesse Helms The North has an ambulance The South has an amalance The North has the Mafia The South has NASCAR The North has Indy car races The South has Swamp Buggy races The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal The South has grits The North has green salads The South has collard greens and chitlins The North has lobsters The South has crawdads The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners The North has the rust belt The South has the Bible Belt The North has Dan Quayle The South has Bill Clinton  The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has 'mater samiches The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services The South has family reunions The North has switchblade knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails The North has double last names The South has double first names The North has Ted Kennedy The South has Jesse Helms The North has an ambulance The South has an amalance The North has the Mafia The South has NASCAR The North has Indy car races The South has Swamp Buggy races The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal The South has grits The North has green salads The South has collard greens and chitlins The North has lobsters The South has crawdads The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners The North has the rust belt The South has the Bible Belt The North has Dan Quayle The South has Bill Clinton 

One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local pharmacy. And while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for my seven-year-old son and me. It was a bag of gold coins (gold foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home. Then my son and I opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones. The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that our son had picked up a Gold Coin condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the pharmacist: “What’s this?” The woman, looking very serious, said: “That’s a condom, son.” To which my son replied: “My daddy bought me some of these yesterday!” With a disgusted look on her face, the pharmacist replied: “Those are NOT for children, young man.” And finally, my son replied: “Then I’ll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!” ===

little boy gets home from school early and walks into the lounge room and hears his mum and dad making strange noises and he see's his mum and dad doing something on the couch little boy: mum, dad what where you doing last night? Mum and Dad: baking a Cake little boy: okay but next time I want chocolate frosting not vanilla