Jokes

A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left foot was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up with a puzzled look and said, "Mom, stop joking. I know they're my feet!"

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.  However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.  After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.  He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.  Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"  To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," answered the policeman. "Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right," the boy said, but how did you know "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible. With fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"

Trying to be a good father, Jack took his son Tommy to the movies. He drove uptown to the Hoyts Theater, and there they watched an exceptionally long movie. Afterwards, as they were heading to the car, the father asked his son, "Did you like the movie, Tommy?" "Yeah, Dad, but I think I know why they call it Hoyts Theater." Puzzled by this comment, the father asked, "Why?" And the little boy replied, "Because it Hoyts when you get up!"

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

A kid was home alone when the phone rang. He picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers two houses away." The kid ran up to his room. The phone rang again, and the kid picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers next door." This time the kid ran up to his room and got under the covers of his bed. The doorbell rang, the kid opened the door, and the man at the door said, "Hey! Got a Band-Aid?"

Teacher: "Lean, how old were you on your very last birthday?" Lean: "Seven." Teacher: "Then how old will you be on your next birthday?" Lean: "Nine." Teacher: "That's impossible!" Lean: "No, teacher, I'm 8 today!"

One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?" The boy replied, "He is 8 years old." Man: "What?" Boy: "Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.  The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

A mother was talking to her three year-old daughter about animals. The mother asked, "How does the cow sound?" The three year old said, "Moo!" The mother asked, "How does a duck sound?" The three year old answered,"Quack!" The mother asked, "How does a frog sound?" The three year old said, "Bud!!!"

A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers’ profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade. The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie." "Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter. "Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E –E- L -K… E- L- E-K…." Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don’t you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we’ll have Peter come up and tell us about his father." Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O–O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 9 out of 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."

A little boy went up to his grandfather and asked, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" When the grandfather asked why, the boy replied, "Because daddy said when you croak we're all going to Disneyland."

The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested. One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!'' Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?'' Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''

Eight-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it. ''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!'' Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.'' Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."

My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens.

Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Knock knock... Knock knock... Knock knock... Knock knock... Knock knock... Guess nobody's home...

Do you know the new type of knock knock joke that starts with "no me neither?" "No." "Me neither."

Knock, knock... Who's there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?