Jokes

A lady selling women’s cosmetics starts her day bright and early. She comes to a home at 7 a.m. and knocks on the door. A man answers the door wearing just boxer shorts. The sales lady asks, “Can I speak to the woman in the house? I have some cosmetics that she may be interested in purchasing.” The man responds, “My wife is at work now and won’t return until about noon.” “That’s OK”, the lady says, “I will be back at about 12:30 to see her then.” The man then says, “You won’t be able to see her then either. We will be busy when she gets home and she has to get ready to go to her other job.” “Oh…, OK, ah, well… then I will come back at around 5 p.m. and catch her then” says the sales lady. “Well, you won’t be able to talk to her then either. We are going to be busy again when she gets home. She then has to get ready to go to work for another employer and won’t be back until late this evening.” The sales lady is taken back and is compelled to ask, “Don’t YOU have a job”? The guy answers simply, “No, I don’t have a job. I don’t work at all.” The sales lady becomes somewhat repulsed by this guy. She says, “Do you mean to tell me that your wife works three jobs, while you just sit around at home all day long?” The guy says, “That’s correct.” The sales lady can’t help but get angry. She then tells the guy, “You know what, buddy, you disgust me! Guys like you ought to be hung”! The man then simply states, “I am.”

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.” The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

You have really got to admire the balls of any man who wears spandex cycling shorts. Well I have…if I’ve got my sunnies on..??

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’ On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’ She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess andI take orders from no one.’ To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.’

Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain." The women laugh and continue up to the second floor. The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain." Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor. "All men here are short and handsome." The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome." This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor. They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager. They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman. “Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?” Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.” “Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous.” Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening. At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels. “Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?” The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope. She smiles. “Then come in.” He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line. The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch. “What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager. “My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”

A tribe in the Amazon rain forest is thought to be responsible for a viscous cannibalistic attack on a group of World Cup supporters yesterday while they were hiking. Police have issued a statement warning people to be on the look out for a man with goofy teeth, short black hair and wearing a Uruguay football shirt.

World shortest scary story The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. “What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?” she breathed. “I’d say ‘neither am I’.” She raised her eyebrows. “Really? I’m wearing none because it gives men like you…” she licked her lips, “easy access…” “Oh?” I replied. “I’ve got none on because I shat myself in the gents.”

Jerry walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. Jerry says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” … … “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. … … A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $22.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.” “That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man. The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?” The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”

Q. What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other?? A. "I - lean"

Three teenage boys were taking a short cut across a church lawn. In perfect view was a large sign which read: Stay off the Grass. The caretaker yelled to the boys from the gardening shed, "Hey, can't you read?" The boys paused, looked at each shrugging. Then one of them looked at the sign, still baffled. He cupped his hands over his mouth to form a loud speaker and yelled back, "So who's smoking?"

A : Tell me a very short story B : Your Dick

you're so short when you smoked weed you couldn't get high

The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident. The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested. The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor

Pedro worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the mango slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Tecla, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Pedro tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the mango slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Tecla gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, “I don’t understand. What about the mango slicer?” . Pedro replied, “She got fired, too.” Pedro is expecting divorce papers any day now.

you are so short whemn you smoke weed you cant even get high

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke". BARE: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation. SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month."). COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Don’t you just hate it when your clothes mysteriously vanish and you get arrested for being half-naked in public. That’s the last time I ever wear Bermuda shorts again.

1. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 2. A few beers short of a six-pack. 3. Dumber than a box of hair. 4. A few peas short of a casserole. 5. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl. 6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. 7. One taco short of a combination plate. 8. Cranially challenged. 9. All foam no beer. 10. The cheese slid off of his cracker.

I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying. Unfortunately the police caught me after a short chase. I ran out of petrol half a mile down the road.

A guy gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall. All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much" The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse.

“Tell me,” the teacher asked her students, “do you know what the word ‘can’t’ is short for?” “Yes,” said little Lucy. “It’s short for ‘cannot.’” “Very good. And what about ‘don’t’?” Little Matt’s hand shot up. “That,” he said with authority, “is short for ‘doughnut.’”

Me- Wanna hear a short joke? You- sure Me- Your dick

With today's rapid advance in technology, we thought it important to bring to our readers' attention some new engineering conversions: 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite-year Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment) 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 10 cards: 1 decacards 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbird

Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture on a cold winter. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice."

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

a guy is creating a yahoo account Sets password as "dick" Error says "too short"

A guy is strolling along road in Bangkok when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, “How much?’ The Hooker replies, “$500 for a hand-job.’ The guy’s jaw drops: “$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!’ The hooker says, “Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?’ “Yes.’ “Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?’ “Yes.’ “And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?’ “Yes.’ “Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.’ The Guy says, “What the hell? I’ll give it a try.’ They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’ The hooker replies, “$1,500.’ “$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.’ The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. See that huge HOTEL  just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.’ The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, “Sign me up.’ Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pu**y?’ The hooker says, “Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of bangkok is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?’ “Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?’ “No,” the hooker replies………..”but I would if I had a pu**y.’

Q: Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it does to run from first base to second base? A: There's a shortstop between second base and third base.