Jokes

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages? Peter: Because they had so many knights.

The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.” “I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.

The teacher asks: Now, Susan, how may fingers have you? Susan: Ten. Teacher: Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have? Susan: No more piano lessons.

The teacher asked the class to define “Pedestrian” Tom raises his hand and says: “A person who can be easily reach by car.”

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language. Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish? Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?

Teacher: What are the four main food groups? Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.” Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. “Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can’t be president?”

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.” Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

I pride myself on being patient when teaching driver education, something I have done for 30 years. I have encountered many, many students, who didn't seem to be able to hit the floor with their hat. But one incident was just too much. I had a sweet young thing behind the wheel for the first lesson of the semester. She had volunteered to go first and seemed ready to show the other two kids how well she could drive. We left the rural school and started toward town. As we approached the first stop sign, the young lady gave no sign that she saw it. We got closer, but she still did not slow down. Finally, I used the "teacher's brake" pedal, on my side of the car, to get us stopped. When I asked her why she didn't slow down to stop for the stop sign, she replied, "but, Mr. Smith, the speed limit is 35 ALL the way to the stop sign!"

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment: Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment: How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help? About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?

In chemistry class the subject was "oxidation - reduction.” The teacher was really excited and after the lesson asked the students in a very loud voice, “now tell me where is the electron? Where is it?" a drowsy student jumps up at this and shouts "o.k." Nobody moves. Sir, shut the door. We can still catch the thief"

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: Today is the first day of the school, any questions? John: Yes, when will the Holidays start?

Teacher: If you had 20p in one trouser pocket and 60p in the other, what do you have? Pupil: Someone else’s trousers, miss.

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense. There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball Jonah: Here’s my paper Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay Lets hear what you wrote Jonah: Game called off on account of rain

The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold weather insufficiently clad. “There was one a boy,” he said, “who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn’t put a coat or scarf on; he caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he died!” The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice said, “What happened to the sled ….?”

“What would you like to be when you grow up Tommy?” “I’d like to be a teacher, sir.” “Would you, indeed? And why would you like to be a teacher?” “Cause I wouldn’t have to do any more learning – I’d know everything by then!”

“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, ‘I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.” “Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.” “You see, sir,” I’m no good at math, either!”

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty. She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?” Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.” Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.” “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?” “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. “What’s the problem Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.” “Well, uh, yes, it is,” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.” “Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but this once I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.” “Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforces.” Her superior saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?’ “Lollipops,” the teacher explained

A rather strict English teacher also had the responsibility of teaching “homemaking,” as home economics used to be called. The teacher noticed a student carefully applying lipstick and powder, rather than doing her home ec lesson. “Jenny,” said the teacher, “you pay more attention to your makeup than you do to your homemaking lessons.” “Well, said Jenny, “before I can home make, I have to catch someone with whom.”

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?" "Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another." "And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"