Jokes

  H e’s the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt Married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dog Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicey number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. Now you know… Jack Schitt  

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Wife: There’s a nice-looking lady at the window table. Husband: She’s a ‘professional’. Wife: How can you be so sure? Husband: C’mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels. Wife: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like ‘One’? Husband: There’s no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?

A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her “hoo-hah.” He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action…… ….. The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your night clothes off?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my “hoo-hah,” I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, “No, not at all.” Then the wife asked, “Well what the hell were you doing then?” To which the husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”

There were these three girls who were getting married  and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office  to discuss the options of having or not having  a baby right away. There were two city girls  and one farm girl.  The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands  and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor  asked the first girl what type of birth control  she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.   “That will work,”  said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.” He asked the second girl  what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills”  she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don ‘t forget to take them”. He then asked the farm girl  what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”   After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all tocome back in one year  on a specific date for a follow up  on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim . Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and,  well here I am, going to have a baby.”’ He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill .  But we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see,  I too am going to have a baby.” He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don ‘t have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.” She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up,  and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes,  and when his eyes get as big as saucers …. “I kick the bucket out from under him”.

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, “Oh no, it’s short, pink and wrinkled!” Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer recliner. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder. Wouldn't it be great if there was as an "edit undo" button in life? If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years you'll be in upper management! I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is until I found out that her first name was Always! No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example. I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up! I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short.

When you're first in love, you cannot sleep close enough to that person you're in love with. At the beginning of the relationship, you're like, 'Come here, honey. Let's stay like this forever.' A short five years later, my wife is laying on my arm for 10 seconds too long, I'm like, 'Owwww. Get off my arm, man.'

” ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? ” ~ George Carlin

What is the shortest mathematicians joke? Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

Dear Diary - Day 1 All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this “all-girls” trip. Dear Diary - Day 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems like a very nice man. Dear Diary - Day 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. Dear Diary - Day 4 Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. Dear Diary - Day 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. He again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked. Dear Diary - Day 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice

A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife. See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation! So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man? No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”) As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, "There's no charge." "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit," she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.... So I just switched the heads."

At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived. The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge. The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone: "On my way through desert sand Met a lonely caravan Men on camels, two by two Destination: Timbuktu." The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?! The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax? No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience: "Me and Tim to Brisbane went Met some ladies, cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

A man saw a catholic sister and decided to give her a lift in his car.As the car was moving the man placed his hand on the laps of the sister pretending he was looking for the gear lever.The sister cast a glance at him and said Matthew chapter 7 vs 7″.The man quickly removed his hand. After a short time the man placed his hand again on the laps of the sister.The sister said to him again ;”Matthew 7 vs 7″.The man nervously removed his hand. The sister reached her destination and got off the car, cast another glance at the man and said “So you don’t read your Bible!” When the man got home he opened his Bible to Matthew 7 vs 7 it says “ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO U”.

Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook.” And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

One of my work colleagues collapsed in the office today. We phoned an ambulance and they arrived shortly… “Bloody hell, he doesn’t look a very good colour” The paramedic said. “That’s Leroy” I replied, “the man who collapsed is over there.”

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."

What's the difference between a Black Man and a White Man A Black Man has a shorter Life-span KICK ASS If you get it

A large, powerfully built guy meets a woman at a bar, and after several drinks, they go back to his place. As they are getting ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says, “See that, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave, and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to go?” “She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?” “No,” croaks the old man “… But its startin to twitch.”

The bank robbers tied and gagged the employees in one room and the Manager in his office. On their way out they noticed the Manager was making desperate noises to catch their attention. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosened the gag and heard the man’s plead: “Please take the books, too I’m $5000 short!”

A Man has a dentist appointment in the morning before work, So he knows that he has some extra time to get ready in the morning. When he wakes up and throws the covers back, he realized his wife is sleeping naked next to him. He decides, since he has some extra time, to wake her up with a pleasant surprise. He proceeds to go down on her, she enjoys it, everybody wins. … … Moments later when the deed is done he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and sees his one of his wife’s pubic hairs stuck between his two front teeth. He panics realizing that he must go to the dentist in an hour and doesn’t want to look like a fool. He struggles to get the pubic hair out with floss so he gets a brilliant idea to grab the fingernail clippers and cuts it down as much as possible. He is sure that the pubic hair is no longer distinguishable, and simply looks like a spec, he thinks to himself “the dentist will have no idea.” So shortly thereafter, he arrives at the dentist office where they have him seated in the chair for cleaning. The dentist walks in and begins the cleaning, and after a moment he begins to laugh. The man asks the dentist “What? what is so funny?” The dentist asks the man “You went down on your wife this morning, didn’t you?” The man panics and so sure he eliminated the evidence from his teeth he asks “Why would you say this? that isn’t a pubic hair in my teeth!” The dentist chuckles and says, “No, you have some shit on your chin!”

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University: In-class Assignment for Wednesday: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right.  One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my  English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] " At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.  But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So chamomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.  "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously excited  her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth  -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.  Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless  target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. Asshole. Bitch.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. … The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then he took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles…”

Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road. He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride. A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?" "And what makes think he's not?" The black pastor snaps back. The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision. When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Christ himself. He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"

Pakistani went to London's Heathrow airport to buy his ticket back home to Rawalpindi. At the counter he found that he was 10 pence short of the fare. Having no other way out, he turned to all the other passengers and begged.." Will someone please give me 10 pence? I badly want to go back and meet my Abba and Ammi again!" "Here" said a Anant, reaching into his wallet and handing him one Pound"..Keep the change and take nine of your country men with you!"

Subject: Computer Hard and Software: Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support

A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem." The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?" The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?" She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"