Jokes

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket." The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, I'm giving you a ticket."

Last night, someone actually jumped the fence of the Presidential Palace. The Security team eventually caught the person. The tackling officer said, “I'm sorry, but you have to stay here for all four years, Mr. President.”

I've been thinking of a career change. I went to a career counselor and found out in testing that I scored off the charts for having a highly dynamic persona and a great smile. I was also told I'm not very good at follow through nor do I accomplish much though I do appear to look busy. Here's the good news! My career counselor told me to "run for public office", even though I'm over qualified!

Obama is already tapped to be the local transplant transfer official in his Chicago suburb when he leaves office. In other words, he's going to be the "Community Organ-icer!"

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?" A student answered, "The First Pet?" The teacher then asked, "Why?" The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer's a little puzzled. "Look, bud, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that," says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined, to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a brief case.

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

Here are some Unwritten Books: After the Beach by Sandy Britches Beachcombing Crafts by Purdy C. Shells Chocolate Bunny Mishaps by Melton N.D. Sun Christmas Treats by Candie Kane Deep-Sea Diving by Don I. Gogh Eagle Watching by C.M. Soar Getting Good Grades by U.R. Smart Having a Positive Attitude by U. Ken Duitt Indoor Winter Fun by Shirley Snowden Inside the Principal’s Office by U.R.N. Trubble Kissing the Blarney Stone by Ken U. Pucker Life in the Arctic Ocean by I.C. Waters Making New Friends by Jovanna Play Math Made Easy by Adam Up Midnight Howls by Ali Katz Our National Anthem by Jose Canusi Outrunning Lions by Hugo Fast Pet Grooming by Harry Dahgs Sledding Disasters by C.D. Tree The Best Holiday Costumes by M.I. Scary Whales and Other Sea Mammals by Dolly Finn

What did the Police Officer say to the woman who was sleeping? "Ma'am, I'm sorry to have to do this, but I have to take you in. You're under a rest."

My friend and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. He had the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone, he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, he was stuck. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray. "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired. "But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..." "Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back." "But, officer, I think you really should know..." "And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," began Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?” “I was a police officer,” he responded. “What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.” “Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. “I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.” “Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. “I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man. “Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so." Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary." "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office.”

A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying. The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.” Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'” “Where is my clock?” “Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

One day a drunk minister gets pulled over by a police officer. Police Officer: Have you been drinking alcohol? Minister: No, sir. Just this bottle of water. Police Officer: That looks like a bottle of Chardonnay to me. Minister: (looking up) Sweet Jesus! You've done it again!

One day a woman brings her daughter to the doctor's office to get her checked out. After the checkup, the doctor tells the mother that her daughter is pregnant. The mother exclaims, "I'll have you know that my daughter is very classy and is still a virgin!" The doctor immediately looks out the window. The mother angrily screams, "What are you doing?!" The doctor says, "Last time this happened, three men rode up that hill."

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

A young salesperson peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something, then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind and headed back to the door -- where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The sales manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in. "You're a salesperson aren't you? What are you selling?" "Sir ... uh ... yes ... I'm a salesman. I'm sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I'm sure you don't want any. Sorry to have wasted your time." Feeling sorry for the young bungler, the sales manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said: "You should have different pre-planned approaches for different kinds of—" "But I do, sir,” the young salesman interrupted, “the one I just used is my planned approach for sales managers. It always works. Thank you!"

Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress. In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?" "Certainly not, madam,'" responded the salesgirl. "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."

When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a thriving practice. One morning I saw a new patient whom I recognized as my old high school principal. "Gee," I said nervously, "I’m a little surprised to see you here." "Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office."

One morning a call came in to the school office. "Hello, please mark William absent today. He's sick," said the caller. "Okay," said the receptionist. "May I ask who is speaking?" "My uncle," said William.

A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. "Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?" The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49." Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!" "I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college." "What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded. "I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?" The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?" The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case." "Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."