Jokes

What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day? Cutting edge.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

HR manager to job candidate: ‘I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.’

There are only two kinds of computer. The latest model, and the obsolete.

What do you get when you cross an apple with a nun? A computer that won’t go down.

What is a cursor? Someone having computer problems.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Why was the computer tired when he got home? Because he had a hard drive.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a herb? A thyme machine.

Yo mama is so stupid that she bought curtains for her computer just because it had Windows.

I walked into the computer repair place with my broken Macintosh computer. I looked at the stack of them on the rack and said, ‘What’s that, Broke Mac Mountain?’

A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

What did one computer say to the other? 010101101010101010101

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

What do computers do when they get hungry? They eat chips!

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people’s computers.

Fed up with your computer winning at chess? Try it at kick-boxing instead!

What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte!

What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? The car salesman can probably drive!

What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website!

How do you tell if an Asian robbed your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded and your cat's gone.

how can yo tell if a black has been on you're computer? ITS NOT THERE

How do you know when an Asian broke into your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later the idiot is still in your driveway trying to back out.

I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a bigger hard drive.