Jokes

TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Well, because class started before I got here.

Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: Okay, but I asked first!

Teacher: “What is the difference between ‘Tea’ and ‘Tee’? Student: "The first one is a drink and the second is an incorrect spelling."

Teacher : Which is the oldest animal? Student : The zebra. Teacher : How come? Student : Because it's still in black & white.

Teacher: "Class, in this final exam, everybody should get at least 75% marks." Student: "We are all trying for 100% sir!" Teacher: "Are you being serious?" Student: "Well, no sir. But it was you who cracked a joke first."

TEACHER: Did your parents help with the homework John? JOHN: Nope, I got them wrong all by myself.

There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this math class," he said. One of the kids rasies his hand, "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

To make his class interesting, an English language teacher asked a grade 3 student to challenge him in an English test. The student wrote this word on the classroom board, SIDANDTED, and asked his teacher to explain its meaning. The teacher looked at the word for some time and even searched for its meaning in the dictionary. After several minutes of his research, he gave up and asked his student to explain the meaning. The student simply said, “They are my friends, Sid and Ted.”

During a test, the college professor noticed that a married student, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, the teacher asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," the student answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," the professor said, feeling relieved. "Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class too."

I was taking a stand-up comedy class but I had to quit... My teacher was making me feel funny.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.

As a kid, parent-teacher conferences were embarrassing and awkward for me and my parents. My teacher made my parents write on the blackboard one hundred times, "We will not have any more children."

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now ...

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

"Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher. "A fight!” answers Frank.

A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?" "Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."

Son: Daddy, I got punished in school today. Dad: Why? Son: My teacher pointed the scale towards me saying, "At the end of this scale there is an idiot.". I just asked "Which end?".

Teacher, "Martha, come to the blackboard and tell us on the world map where America is." Martha point to America correctly. Teacher, "Good. Now John, you tell us who discovered America" John, "Martha just did"

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit. Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son.“ “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'" or “that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"

What did the math teacher say to Dracula after he failed the math test? "Can't you Count Dracula?"

Me: "May I go to the restroom." Teacher: "What for?" Me: "To Open The Chamber Of Secrets, What the hell do you think?

The teacher asked little Peter; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?” " Big Hands, " said Peter.

It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math. “Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”

History Teacher: "Why was George Washington standing in the bow of the boat as the army crossed the Delaware?" Student: "Because he knew if he sat down, he would have to row."

"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher. "I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."

The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school. What have you to say for yourself? I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.” “Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?” “Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.