Jokes

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40. A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

A middle aged man buys himself a brand new convertible sports car and having just picked it up from the showroom decides to take it for a drive. Enjoying the wind in his hair as he takes another bend just kissing the apex he spies in the rear view mirror a policeman on a motorbike. Immediately he puts his foot on the gas and is soon approaching 100 miles an hour, then he comes to his senses and pulls over. As the policeman approaches the man starts to apologies when the officer says... “Look its 5:15PM on a sunny Friday afternoon and my shift ends in a few minuets if you can give me an excuse I have not heard before I will let you go.” He replies “Officer my wife left me for a policeman 6 years ago and when I saw you in my mirror I though you were trying to bring her back to me.” With this the officer closed his ticket book and waved the man on.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smarty when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Finally, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

2:00 a.m. and the street was deserted, so as the man pulls up to the red light he looks around all ways and seeing no one he rolls on through it. He is pulled over and he says to the cop really officer? No one is around I slowed down and looked, nobody was coming so I just went. No harm done. The officer said I can show you the difference very easily, step out of the car please, and maybe you won’t get a ticket. Willingly he stepped out and the officer proceeds to beat him with his night stick, and says “Now sir would you like me to slow down.. or stop.

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?" Driver: "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is already coming back."

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."

At the start of the shift one of the police officers asks "Did you hear about the terrible head on collision on route 208 between a Thunderbird and a Mustang? There was horse manure and feathers all over the road!" The Chief came into headquarters a few minutes later. Not being too fast on the uptake, he was asked the same question, followed by the same "Horse manure and feathers all over the road." "Anybody hurt?" he asked.

A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.” The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police!" With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first? It looks as if it might be measles."

A man was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. He was stopped by a policeman. “This is a one-way street,” said the officer. “I know,” said the motorist, “I’m only going one way.”

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

A man traveling over 125 miles per hour on the interstate was stopped by a highway patrol. “Sorry, officer,” said the driver, “was I driving too fast? “No, sir. Our were flying too low.”

The police officer: “You were exceeding the speed limit, ma’am, weren’t you?” The driver: “Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident.”

Police officer: I'm sorry sir, but you will have to come with me. Driver: Why? Police officer: You were driving at 120 miles per hour! Driver: But I have only been in my car for 15 minutes!

One night, while on foot patrol, a Police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the Officer looking down at him. He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!" The Officer says,"Yeah, I did." The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?" "Nope." Comes the reply. "Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas. One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began: "911, what is your emergency?" "Osifer, I've been robbed!" "Can you be more specific sir?" "Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal." "Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair. "Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel." "Sir, what is your location?" "I'm in my car." "Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?" "Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!" "Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm." The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in. "911, what is your emergency?" "Osifer?" "Yes, what is your emergency please?" "Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal." "Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?" "No, shur, I was just in the back seat."

A cop pulls a young guy over: "Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid. "Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop. Yup, but I didn't see you!

One day there was this old man that was walking down the road. About a mile down the road he heard sirens and a police officer was behind him. So he stops and the cop gets out of his car and asked the man why he was walking with one foot on the curb and the man said, " O, thank God I thought I was cripple"

A man gets this real fast sports car and hes is flying down the road at about 80 mph. After a couple miles a cop pulls out on to the road and turns on his siren. The man pulls over and waits for the officer to give him a ticket. The officer comes up to his car and says "I have been waiting for you all day". The man says "Well I got here as fast I could".

A Highway Patrolman started creeping up on a highway speeder when it was evident that the individual being pursued realized there was a Highway Patrolman behind him and he stepped on the gas to out run the cruiser. The trooper turned on his beacons and siren and after a brief chase, the individual realized that he could not outrun the cruiser and decided it would be best if he just pulled over to the side and just give up. The Trooper pulled up behind the speeder and then walked up to the driver's side window. He said, "Sir, why were you trying to out-run me?" "You knew it would end this way." The speeder said, "Officer, please understand, I meant you no disrespect, but my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman last month and I thought you were bringing her back."

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you, son? Driver: Cause you thought I had some doughnuts?

A man traveling at 130 mph on the interstate was stopped by highway police. "Sorry, officer" said the driver, "was I driving too fast?" "No, sir. You were flying too low."

Speed Trap  A Police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street.  Well one hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could" 

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it's right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

Quick Wit:  A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.  "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".  "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."  "But officer, I just wanted to say...."  "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"  A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."  "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?" Joe says, "Yes I did." "Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball." "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is," the cop says. "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?" He answered, "Shut Up." He asked again "What's your name?" "Shut Up." The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!" "Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."