Jokes

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?""Shut up!""Are you trying to get in trouble?""Yeah, yeah, yeah!""Do you want to go to the principal's office?""Go! Go! Go!""How many spankings do you want?"64! 64! 64!""Who do you think you are?""na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

During a long road trip, what did the zombie son ask his zombie father from the back seat of their car? "Hey dad, are we dead yet?"

"These are the proper names for the parts of the golf course," a father instructed his ten year old. You start at the tee, walk down the fairway and put your ball in the hole on the green. "But dad, what do you call that part where your ball gets lost in the tall grass?" his son asked. "Oh that's what I call the un-fairway," he replied.

Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team." The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough." The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team."

I was recently sharing with my father how bad my college football team had lost to a major rival 58-0 and that it couldn't get any worse. Dad, in his infinite wisdom indicated, "The score could have been 65-0."

My Dad, who is a pastor, was reading the newspaper the other day and it had an article on our University’s football team who had 3 wins in the last 3 seasons. Then he says, "Hey Son, did I tell you that I ran into head coach two months ago down at the Supermarket?" "What did you tell him?" I replied. "Well, I asked if I could pray for him and he said sure." I couldn't help but ask, "Did you pray that he would quit or that he would be fired?"

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water. A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

Dad: "What happened to your eye?" Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."

“May I go swimming, Mommy?” “No, you may not. There are sharks here.” “But Daddy’s swimming.” “He’s insured.”

This was one of my dad's favorite jokes: Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!" As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."

Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few... When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself.. But he does have witnesses...Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing.. "Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something." "No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot." Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole. "What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!" "That's right, son, indeed it is....and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

Father to his son: Do you know why I call your mother my Death Star? Because she makes my world explode! @dadjokehansolo

What kind of car does a Jedi drive? A Toy-YODA! @dadjokehansolo

Teacher: "John, what's the matter? Why are you looking so upset?" John: "My dad is in police station and my mom is in hospital!" Teacher: "Oh God! Please go home!" The principal happened to see John leave. He asks the teacher, "Where's John heading to?" Teacher: "I permitted him to go home because his dad is in police station and mom is in hospital." Principal: "His dad is a cop and his mom is a nurse... where else they would be?"

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now ...

Son: Daddy, I got punished in school today. Dad: Why? Son: My teacher pointed the scale towards me saying, "At the end of this scale there is an idiot.". I just asked "Which end?".

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit. Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher. "I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."

Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it? Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry. Daughter: Dad… Daughter: Dad… Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth

"Dad, can I unplug your phone? It's almost full and mine is dying!" "No, you'll have to go to Rhode Island." "What?" "For a new port."

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun."

Dad: "What are you drinking, son?" Son: "Soy milk." Dad: "Hola milk, ¡soy padre!"

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt. Others insist on a pair of socks. The argument always ends in a tie.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her résumé. He didn’t get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem. “Is it too generic?” she asked. “I doubt it,” said her father. “Especially since it’s addressed ‘Dear Sir or Madman.’”

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall, there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants." Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

Yo momma is so ugly, that your daddy stays home just so he don't have to kiss her goodbye!

Yo daddy so fat, his BVDs spell out boulevard!

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.