Jokes

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?""Shut up!""Are you trying to get in trouble?""Yeah, yeah, yeah!""Do you want to go to the principal's office?""Go! Go! Go!""How many spankings do you want?"64! 64! 64!""Who do you think you are?""na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

A kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page illustrating several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?” Little Sue called out, “That’s the flag of our country.” “Very good,” the teacher said. “And what’s the name of our country?” Little Sue answered, “Tis of thee.”

On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.” “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A not so bright student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

A science teacher walked by Taipei 101 and saw a man on top of the building ready to jump.He quickly shouted out "Don't do it!! You have so much potential!!"

There was a student that had a chance to learn the sport of skydiving. After having been instructed by his teacher he jumped out and forgot how to release his shoot. As he was falling rapidly towards earth, he suddenly saw a man shooting up towards him and as the man passed by, the student yelled! “Do you know how to operate a parachute?” The man passing by him answered NO! “But do you know anything about a gas heater?”

A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: "What is two plus two?" "Four," the athlete answered. The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"

Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this? Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.

Kid: Did you hear that there is a report of snew tomorrow. Teacher: What's snew? Kid: Nothing much, what's snew with you?

My history teacher gave me an “F” for a final grade. When I asked her why she failed me she said, “I didn’t fail you. You failed yourself.” I said, “In that case, I think I’m going to change my grade.”

In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area. One young girl's paper began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardeners were poor. This was a very poor family."

Today we’re going to study about growing a garden. Take out your weeding books. Today we’re going to study pigs. Does everyone has a pen? Today I am going to put a new spin on computer learning. Take out your lap tops. Today we’re going to talk about death. And this will be on your final exam.

Teacher: "What's the difference between 'He cleans the plate' and 'The plate is cleaned by him'?" Student: "In first sentence he is not married, but in second sentence he is married!"

Teacher: "John, what's the matter? Why are you looking so upset?" John: "My dad is in police station and my mom is in hospital!" Teacher: "Oh God! Please go home!" The principal happened to see John leave. He asks the teacher, "Where's John heading to?" Teacher: "I permitted him to go home because his dad is in police station and mom is in hospital." Principal: "His dad is a cop and his mom is a nurse... where else they would be?"

Teacher: "When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are." Student: "Wow, you must have had a good teacher then, didn't you?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes," the pupils said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little boy shouted, "It's because your feet aren't empty."

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were dumb to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Teacher: "What's the chemical formula for carbon-dioxide?? Student: "COCO." Teacher: "COCO? What do you mean, COCOC?" Student: "Well, you said in the last class that's it CO two."

While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?" His response was, "My mother can." The teacher replied, "Really?" The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

Teacher: "Okay class, what is the value of Pi?" Student: "Well, it's not an exact number but usually it's around $12.99."

Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend asks for 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left? Me: 10 Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left? Me: Still 10 muffins... and 1 injured friend.

Teacher: "Define energy." Johnny: "I don’t remember the complete definition but I remember the last few words." Teacher: "Ok, say the last few words then." Johnny: "... and this is called energy."

Teacher: "Hello, students! Can anyone tell me, what does the green dot on a 'Tiger Biscuit Packet' indicate? After a few seconds of silence, one student replies. "Hello, ma'am. The green dot means that the Tiger is 'Online'."

Teacher: "What is an OS? And give me an example." Student: "An OS is a word which can be used instead of saying 'Oh Yes'. For example, do you like ice cream? You can reply, ‘Oh, yes' or 'OS.' Teacher: "You may sit down now."

My 4th grade teacher used to complain to my mom about my poor hand writing. I tried hard for years, only in vain, to continuously get the feed back, "Try to improve your handwriting!" I am 25 now, working as a software professional for a company. I mailed her last week for thanking her for making me what I am now. She replied with a post script... "Please improve your handwriting!"

School teacher sends home a note with student. The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.” Mother sends a note back the following day, ”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem."

Teacher: "Today we are going to learn about tenses. Now if I say, 'I am beautiful', which tense is it?" Student: "Obviously that would be past tense!"

Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Well, teachers don't really change a bulb, but they can help to make a dim one brighter.

In a class room exam, John was peeping into the answer sheet of his neighbor. The teacher shouted, “No cheating John!” John replied, “I am not cheating. I am copying. There is a difference!”

A teacher was telling her class about plant names that have the word "dog" in them, such as dog-rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the preface "dog". Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure Miss Jones. How about a 'collie' flower?"