Jokes

Johnny whispers into his dad’s ear, "Will you give me ten dollars if I tell you what the man in the uniform says to mom every morning?" The father takes ten dollars out of his wallet and hands it to the boy. "Now, tell me what he says?" The boy looks at his dad and says, "Good morning, I’ve got some mail for you."

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim. His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?" "Nothing, dad." "Good, you're halfway there then."

Three Boy Scouts, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard a lot of commotion. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out. The man was Bill Clinton. The ex-president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "Can you still pull that off?" "No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?" "I want to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout. "We can do that next week, too," Bill replied. "I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third. "I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?" "You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"

"Dad what do you call a lady president?" "Well son, you call a lady president 'Madam President'." "If that's what I call a lady president, what would I call a queen?" "You already know that one son, you call her mom."

I don’t have a “dad bod”... I have a father figure.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Wife: "I'm pregnant...." Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!" Wife: "No, no you’re not."

One day, out of the blue, one of my twin boys asked, "Dad, how did you support yourself through college?" I said, "I was a working student. Initially, a janitor until I got promoted." "Dad moved up to the second floor," quipped the other.

A father texts his son: "My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father." His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" His Father replies: "I know."

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

Who were the two shortest people in the Bible? Nehemiah and Bildad the Shuhite!

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son three quarters to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was slow and boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for 75 cents."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole!"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

An old man walked into a car showroom and found the car he wanted to buy. He requested that the salesman not sell the particular model till the next day, since he wanted to buy it on his birthday. The salesman gave his word. The next day the old man visited the showroom only to find the car being sold to a young lady. The young lady looked really gorgeous. The old man asked the salesman, "I told you to keep this car on hold. Not only didn't you keep your word, you also sold it at a discounted rate." The salesman replied, "She insisted to buy only this car, and with a discount. Look how beautiful she is? How could I say no to her?" The young lady walked up to the old man, gave the car keys to him and said, "Didn't I tell you they'd give me a discount? Happy birthday Dad!"

Teacher: "Okay class let's start by sharing our dreams. What's yours David?" David: "My dream is to earn $20,000 a month like my dad." Teacher: "Wow! Your dad earns that much?" David: "No ma'am, that's also my dad's dream."

Little Anne came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!" "That's great sweetheart!" said her daddy. "Come into the living room and tell me about it," daddy continued. Little Anne said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" "One dollar." "You don't know your arithmetic." "You don't know my father!"

After registering for his high school classes, my son burst into the house, filled with excitement. "Dad," he announced in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. But I have to have my school supplies by tomorrow. I need a protractor and a compass for geometry, a dictionary for English, a dissecting kit for biology—and a car for driver’s ed."

Son: "Excuse me daddy, but what is the twenty fifth letter of the alphabet?" Dad: "Y." Son: "Because I need to know for my test tomorrow."

*In class* Teacher: "Jay,why are you down today?" Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad is at the police station." Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?" Jay: "Yes, please." After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and the mother at the hospital?" Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why not?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

My brother spent all of the “fun money” our parents had allotted halfway through his first semester at college. He sent this text to our dad: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. Our dad replied with: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

Dad: You're telling me your entire class got an A in philosophy? How? Son: We proved the professor didn't exist. What could she do?

Hey Dad, can you pass the salt? I don't know, son, can you pass the semester?

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

After an MCAT exam, a father asks his son, "How did it go son?" Young man, looking rather reproachful, replied, "It went well dad. In fact, it went so well that I will retake it again next year."

Father: You better pass that exam or else forget that I'm your father. Son: Ok, dad. Next day Father: How was your exam? Son: Who are you?

Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school. When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral. The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad." Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused. The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you." Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."