Jokes

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, “I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?” Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient.” “Oh,” says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem. The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination." The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive." The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem." Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?” “Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said. “Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically. “No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?” “Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded. He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asked. “Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered. “Is it stolen?” the guy asks. “No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?” “Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more. Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” “Five dollars,” was the familiar response. “I’ll take that too!” the man said. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, “Why are your prices so cheap?” The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants. A company spokesperson declares this a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without listening to them.

There Once Was A Man Named Hawking, Who Got Really Tired Of Walking, So He Hopped On His Scooter, Attatched a Computer, Now It Does All The Talking! Love Ben

Subject: Computer Hard and Software: Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support

A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman’s breast. Woman: Hey! That’s private OK ? The man hesitated for a second looking confused. Man: But I thought we were in the same class.

Always borrow money from a pessimist He won’t expect it back … … Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat instead. … … Sign in the pharmacy’s condom aisle: “No balloon, no party.” … … Money can’t buy happiness but it makes misery a lot easier to live with. … … We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. … … Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. … … A computer beat me at chess once but it was no match for me at kick boxing. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start one in your fireplace? We now live in a society where the pizzeria can bake a 14″ pepperoni and get it to your house faster than the ambulance Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism. Stealing ideas from many people is research.

Costello:  Hey, Abbott! Abbot:  Yes, Lou? Costello:  I just got my first computer. Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou. Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!! Abbot:  You will in time. Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot:  Oh? Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot:  Well, I don't know- Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot:  Really? Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot:  That's true. Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button- Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot:  I did. Costello:  When? Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button. Costello:  Why should I press the Start button? Abbot:  To shut off the computer. Costello:  I press Start to stop. Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press. Abbot:  Start Costello:  Start what? Abbot:  Start button. Costello:  Start button to do what? Abbot:  Shut down. Costello:  You don't have to get rude! Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello:  Then say what you mean. Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press- Costello:  Don't say, "Start!" Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say? Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot:  But that's what you do. Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous. Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot:  What are you talking about? Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye. Costello:  Hey, Abbott! Abbot:  Yes, Lou? Costello:  I just got my first computer. Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou. Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!! Abbot:  You will in time. Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot:  Oh? Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot:  Well, I don't know- Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot:  Really? Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot:  That's true. Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button- Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot:  I did. Costello:  When? Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button. Costello:  Why should I press the Start button? Abbot:  To shut off the computer. Costello:  I press Start to stop. Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press. Abbot:  Start Costello:  Start what? Abbot:  Start button. Costello:  Start button to do what? Abbot:  Shut down. Costello:  You don't have to get rude! Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello:  Then say what you mean. Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press- Costello:  Don't say, "Start!" Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say? Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot:  But that's what you do. Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous. Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot:  What are you talking about? Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

What is the first programming language you learn when studying computer science? Profanity

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee’s home number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, ‘Hello?’ ‘Is your Daddy home?’ he asked. ‘Yes’, whispered the small voice. ‘May I speak to him?’ The child whispered ‘No.’ Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well may I speak to her, then?’ Again the small voice whispered ‘No.’ Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’ ‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman.’ Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak to the policeman?’ ‘No, he’s busy,’ whispered the child. ‘Busy doing what?’ ‘Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,’ came the whispered reply. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked ‘What’s that noise?’ ‘A helicopter’, answered the whispering voice. ‘Whats going on there?’ demanded the boss, now really apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ‘The search team has just landed a helicopter.’ Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked ‘What are they searching for?’ Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ‘ME!’

I read my morning papers on the computer. It's just hard to hold the computer on the toilet 'cause I don't have a laptop.

-- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. -- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. -- Definition of an upgrade: old bugs out, new ones in. -- C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. -- Why doesn't it ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"? -- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. -- Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) -- E Pluribus Modem -- >File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) -- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny. -- A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available. -- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. -- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. -- Windows: just another pane in the glass. -- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. -- All computers wait at the same speed. -- Go ahead, make my data. -- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. -- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. -- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. -- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work!

An Antartian was running back and forth from his computer and his mailbox. Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing. He replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."

Feeling quite angry, just lost to my computer at Chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I’m a massive computer game geek, and people keep telling me to get a life. Then I thought to myself, I don’t need to get a life, I’m a gamer so I have lots of lives.

I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.

I just did a computer rendition of what I'd look like fifty years from now. Apparently fifty years from now I'll look like a hand full of dirt.

(I’m at the college IT support office to fix a bug on my laptop and find all the employees looking bored. I walk up to one of them and he pays no attention to me whatsoever.) Me: Excuse me. I’ve got a problem with my laptop. IT Support Guy: *incoherent mumbling* Me: Sir? IT Support Guy: *while not looking at me* How long ago did you buy the device? Me: Uh… well, I got it at the beginning of the semester. IT Support Guy: Have you tried to reset it? Me: I haven’t even told you the problem yet. IT Support Guy: That doesn’t work? Okay. Can you tell me the manufacturer of the device? Me: It’s [computer brand]. But sir, I- (He proceeds explaining all kinds of stuff which is clearly not directed to me. He finally turns to me; it turns out the entire time I thought he was just leaning his head on his hand, he wasn’t. He was talking on the phone to someone else and is now looking annoyed.) IT Support Guy: Can’t you see I’m on the phone? Me: Sorry!

Wow, this article looks awesome. *clicks link* *finds out it's a slideshow* *throws computer out the window*

My parents keep telling me to stop sitting on this computer all day and to stop being a smart-arse. Actually, I sit on the chair.

Q. What do homeless people look at when they’re on a computer? A. The recycle bin.

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory? A: It says ''byte me'''

A French maid was tidying up for a wealthy computer whiz. She commented that he had a nice PC. He looked frustrated and said, "Yeah, it's top of the line, but I can't seem to get any programs to start up. You wouldn't happen to know how these gizmos work, do you?" She replied, "I'm sorry monsieur, I would love to help you, but oh la la, I don't do Windows!"

Setting:On a computer key board shrunken in size Harry: My mom must keep her shrink ray here Jimmy: DAH! SHE KEEPS IT INSIDE THE DRAWER! Harry:jeez! you don't have to yell. Jimmy:sorry,I was standing on caps lock

Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age? A: Loss of memory.