Jokes

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him. This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!" So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room. He slammed the door behind him, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, didya?"

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: "What is this?" Kid: "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass." "Where's the grass?" "The cow ate all of it." "Then, where's the cow?" "It left because there was no more grass."

The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?" When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"

In school, a teacher goes up to student named Johnny who is chewing gum. The teacher asks him, "Are you chewing gum?" The student replies, "No, I'm Johnny."

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A good lawyer."

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

"Wake up, honey. It's time to go to school.""But why? I don't want to go to school.""Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school.""One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.""Oh, that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school.""Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?""One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!"

Steps on how to write a college paper... 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one of your favorite CD's and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Rearrange all of your CD's into alphabetical order. 11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. 15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung-Fu on channel 26. 16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A serious drinking problem."

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?" Students: "Eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?" Students: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Students: "Homework!"

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.” “I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?” The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

Teacher: Suppose you have $10 and you asked your brother for $5. How much would you have then? Student: $10. Teacher: Why? Student: My brother won't give me any money.

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I did not do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Teacher: Why are you late, John? John: Because of the sign down the road. Teacher: What does sign have to do with you being late? John: The sign said 'School Ahead, Go SLOW!'

Little Kelvin's darkest day was when he was asked by his mathematics teacher to solve a problem on the board. The question was asking for the answer to 2+3. He knew he couldn't solve that so he glanced towards his bright friend for help. His friend willing to help but fearing to speak out loud, showed him his palm as a silent indication to the answer. So little Kelvin drew the palm.

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" The little girl said, "Happy Butt." The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. She tried pulling and pushing, but the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

On a Chemistry exam at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. L Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit.

Teacher: You are suppose to come at 7am! Student: What?! What happened on 7am? What did I miss?

Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school. When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral. The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad." Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused. The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you." Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher.

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E. One boy says: “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T. The same boys says: “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M. The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?" Student: "Octembruary." Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that." Student: "Exactly...."

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a stupid student (pointing at student). Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

A fifth grader class was on an educational field trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that?” “Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”

TEACHER: Give me the opposite of this sentence…. “CHILDREN IN THE DARK MAKES MISTAKES.” TASYA: Mistakes in the dark can make children!

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: "Who just threw that?" Boy: "Me, and now I’m going home."