Jokes

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution. "Is there another door I could use?"

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'. As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?" Larry responded, "It saves time."

How do you get hiring managers to hire you? 1. Put up posters of yourself in the company parking lot. 2. Announced your candidacy with a singing telegram. 3. Rent a billboard which the hiring manager can see from his/her office, listing your qualifications. 4. Deliver prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with your name and phone number.

Smith was always tired. After a while, he became known in the office for dozing off at his desk, sometimes even several times a day. Granted, he had a good reason. His wife had just had twins and he didn't get much sleep at home. But his boss was having none of it. He told Smith that if he was caught sleeping on the job one more time, he would be fired. That same week, the boss decided to make a surprise visit at Smith's desk, to see if the situation had improved. You can imagine what happened next, he found Smith asleep. But Smith was a quick thinker. He woke up just in time, remained in his position and calmly delivered the following line that saved his job: "... and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

Everyone brings JOY to my office... Some when they enter, others when they leave.

An insurance agent called our medical office. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but the agent said the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Three guys all worked in the same office with the same male boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the guys decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind him. After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early? Ochuko was thrilled to be home early, he did a little gardening, spent play time with his son, and went to bed early. Ofego was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. Akpors was happy to get home early and surprise his wife, but when he got to his bedroom, he heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss! Gently he closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day, at their coffee break, Ochuko and Ofego planned to leave early again, and they asked Akpos if he was going to go with them. “No way!” Akpos exclaimed. "the boss almost caught me yesterday!"

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!" Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic. While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.

John visited his brother's office and went to the toilet for a long call. Crazy thing is that the door was so far from the toilet seat. When someone knocked, John had to literally move towards the door pants down. All did not work out well when he miscalculated his way back and threw one missile on the floor.

If everyone were employed... Where would unemployment officers be?

What two words contain the most letters? Post office.

Slim walks into his local post office and notices a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA "Gosh!" he says, "If only that job was in Texas, I'd take it!"

The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.

“Sir, there’s a debt collector in the outer office.” “Tell him he can take that pile on my desk”

“How long will be the next bus be, Officer?” “About eight yards, sir.”

My uncle, known for his heavy foot, was stopped by high patrol for driving 88 miles per hour in a 60 miles per hour zone. Uncle: "Officer, was I driving too fast." Officer: "No, I'm not giving you a speeding ticket. I'm ticketing you for flying too low without a pilot's license."

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

A woman was driving down the street and got stopped by a police officer. "May I see your driver's license?" he said. She looked at him with disgust. "What's the matter with you guys? I wish you'd make up your minds. You took my license from me yesterday."

Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last night at 11:00,” I said. “And the tires were on it then?”

Officer: "Why should you be released early?" Man: "I’m..." Officer: "Go on..." Man: "I think..." Officer: "Yes?" Man: "Can I please finish my sentence?" Officer: "Sure, if that's what you really want. Parole denied."

First day as a police officer... Captain: "Why did you call for back up?" Me: "There was a fly in my car." S.W.A.T. Team Leader: "What exactly do you think we do?"

A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?" "No idea, they just ransomware!"

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for speeding motorists. One day he was suspicious when everyone was going under the speed limit. He found the problem. There was a boy standing with a sign that read "Radar Trap Ahead". A few hundred yards down the road stood his friend with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucketful of change.

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me!"