Jokes

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him?”

A tired and frustrated wife arrived home late from work and quietly entered the master bedroom where she saw four sets of feet hanging over the end of the bed. Furious, she grabbed an umbrella and began to hit the covers hearing groans from underneath them. Exhausted she goes down the stairs to the kitchen for a stiff drink where she is shocked to see her husband standing in the kitchen. "Your mom and dad arrived unexpectedly, so I gave them our room. Did you say hello?"

A little girl picks up the phone, “Hello?” “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks. “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.” Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!” “And what happened, honey?” he asked. “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.” A long, silent pause. Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.

about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too."  The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."  "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave her dad, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?" Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. “My dad is an engineer. He can do anything. You know the Alps? Well, it was my dad who built them!” “That’s nothing,” said the Navy brat. “You know the Dead Sea? Well, it was my dad who killed it!”

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”

(Grandchild) Were you in the war Grandpa? (Grandpa) Yes, I was a fighter pilot! (Child's mother) "Weren’t you stationed in Colorado dad?” (Grandpa) Yes, and I’ll have you know that not one enemy aircraft got past Nevada!

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!" After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

I was just born. My father asks my mother, "Do you have a name in mind?" My mom replies, "No, uhh..." My dad interrupts, "Noah! Perfect name!" That's how I got the name Noah.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My dad's a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground." The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45."

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date. He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of the dads gives them both a bit of advice. "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too!" adds the other.

Q: What did the spoiled rich girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest. One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow." The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything." The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

Miser to son: "Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?" Son: "Dad, it was only $25.00." Dad: "Oh, that’s not too bad." Son: "It would've been more, but that was all the money she had on her."

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children. "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here..." The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison. He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!” “The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!” “Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

Several years ago, I purchased a chest type freezer. My best friend came over to see it. She said, "My dad told me how you can tell if you have a tight seal on your freezer. If you put a dollar bill in between the top of the freezer and the bottom of the freezer and you can't pull it out, then you have a good seal." "Wow, let's try it!" I said. "Sorry, we can't," she began. "All I have is a ten."

A little boy thanked his grandfather for the set of drums he bought him for his birthday. “They’re the best present I’ve ever had,” he said. “They’ve already earned me $80.” “Wow!”’ said the grandfather. “You must have learned to play them real good!” “Not really,” said the boy. “But Mom gives me $5 not to play them during the day, and Dad gives me $5 not to play them in the evening.”

I think the rap world may be shrinking... It used to be The Notorious B.I.G., Big Pun, Big Daddy Kane, and a big list of others... Now it is Lil Wayne, Lil Bow Wow, Lil Kim and a long little list of other littles.

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'. As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Did you hear about Steve Harvey and his wife getting into an argument? It was a Family Feud!

Research shows that 80% of men don’t know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.

Guy: Is you dad still in jail? Girl: For what? Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!