Jokes

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. The chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit, Rrredit, Rrredit..."

Michael and Timothy had just left the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through O'Leary's farm when they chanced upon O'Leary's prized stallion. Promptly, Timothy raised it's tail, took a quick swipe then applied it to his lips. Michael, dumbfounded, asked: "Is horse manure good for chapped lips?" Timothy replied: "I don't know, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers. "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?" "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Where do you get dragon milk? From cows with short legs!

A man stands at the bar boasting that he has a dog that is the greatest fighter of all and will beat any dog in a fight and to prove this offers a prize of a $1,000 if his dog can be beaten. An old man sitting near by says my Terrier will beat your dog no problem! So the man immediately sets up a fight between the two dogs. In the ring the two dogs are thrown in and the man's dog growls and starts to bite the other dog with its massive teeth for the terrier to flick itself around and snap the neck of the dog and then devour it whole! True to his word the man counts out the grand and hands it over saying “just what type of Terrier is that?” The old man puts the money in his pocket and replies “a long tailed short haired snub nose Terrier or Alligator for short.”

Two bumpkin chicks in the hen house are discussing about the bad feed they eat. This shorter one is just listening, not answering to the talkative one. All of a sudden he stops and says: I have decided to go to College on a night course. Why is that, why such an urgent matter? My relatives, all of my folks, and my friends are been humiliated, they are all fed up with this lousy feed, but worse of all, to be called bumpkin and hick all the time, you silly. I will become an attorney and won’t be humiliated anymore.

A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro''

Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods. Out went home, and his mother said, “Where’s In? Go and get him, there’s a good boy.” So Out went back into the woods and returned very shortly with his bother. “That’s a good boy,” said Mother Skunk, “how did you find him so quickly?” “Easy,” said the little skunk, “In stunk…”

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods. Out went home, and his mother said, "Where's In?, go and get him, there's a good boy." So Out went back into the woods and returned shortly with his brother. "That's a good boy," said Mother skunk, "How did you find him so quickly?" "Easy," said the little skunk, "In stinked ...."

A man left the bar late one night after one too many drinks. He decided to walk home taking a shortcut through the grave yard. He fell into an open grave but failed to escape after many attempts. What the man didn’t see was another guy from the bar who had previously fallen in and was curled up asleep at the other end of the grave. The guy woke up and said, “You’ll never make it out of here.” Low and behold he made it out in one leap!

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?" And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says, "Now you finish!" "No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"

Paddy and Michael were late getting home from the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through the Parish graveyard. "Bejabbers" said Paddy, when stumbling over a marker, "Cassandra, 97, From Cork. She was a ripe old age!" Michael chimed in: "Well, may the Saints preserve us, this stone reads: 'Miles, 122, from Dublin!"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, heavy set bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big truck over three motorcycles."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk. "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 7:00 pm, the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove!

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"

Why do Barbers make for good drivers? Because they know all the short cuts!

A sign in a Shoe Repair Store: - We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you. At an Optometrist's Office: - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. On a Plumber's truck: - We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On an Electrician's truck: - Let us remove your shorts. At a Car Dealership: - The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: - No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay... At the Electric Company: - We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: - Drive carefully. We'll wait. In a Chicago Radiator Shop: - Best place in town to take a leak. Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: - Caution... this truck is full of Political Promises.

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a damn checking account." "Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language." "Could you move it along man? I just wanna open a damn checking account," growled the would-be customer. "I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way." "What the hell? Just let me open a damn checking account, okay?" "I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the annoyed teller, slipping off his stool and returning shortly with a woman who asked how she could be of service. "Hell, I just won the TEN MILLION DOLLAR lottery," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a damn checking account." "I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this MORON is giving you trouble?"

This device is designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above. Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error,and enable you to resume data entries. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.

Memo from Director General to Manager: Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. Memo from Manager to Department Head: Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day. Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you. Memo from Supervisor to staff: Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? Said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 150. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches. She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and fat!"

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do? The allergists voted to scratch it. The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. The pediatricians said, "grow up." The psychiatrists thought it was madness. The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And the plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..." - If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. - If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. - If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. - If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. - If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. - If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. - If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. - If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 - If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. - If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. - If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. - If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. - If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. - If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you." - If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever. "Thank You and Have a Nice Day!"

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation." When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

Patient (to Doctor), " I forget whatever I have said a minute ago". Doctor: "Since when are you suffering from this problem?' Patient: "What problem?'

A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness. The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is. The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that’s the sun! Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?