Jokes

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

The pet store was selling three parrots. A man who wants to buy a parrot approaches the clerk and asks, “How much are your parrots?” The sales clerk answers, “The first one is $1,000.” “What does he know?” “He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and can solve mathematical expressions.” “How about the second one?” “The second parrot costs $5,000.” “What does he know?” “He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, can solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.” “Then what is the price for the third one?” asked the buyer. “This one costs $20,000.” “Really?! What does he know?” “This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS’."

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers... - He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse. - SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. - Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. - Three words: carpal paw syndrome. - Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working. - The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. - He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”. - It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits. - The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms. - He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?" "Demon," I replied. "Demon? That's an odd name," she said. "Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway." I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?" "Yes, it is." "You really don't like cats, do you?"

"Top 10 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password"  10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like (alt.recreational.catnip). 7. Your web browser has a new home page: (http://www.feline.com/). 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog." 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills." Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon."

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Norks Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs and says, "You smell kind of norky. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not norks," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the norks are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the norkiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought norks were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator. The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?" "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called . . . Fairwell Honeychild!

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

This device is designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above. Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error,and enable you to resume data entries. CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above. This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your local computer desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

Interviewer: "How well do you work with Powerpoint?" Applicant: "I Excel at it." Interviewer: "Was that a computer joke?" Applicant: "Word."

So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boast, " If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven. Anyway the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars." And which the GM replies, " Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day!"

Job Application: Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired. ''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

“This little computer,” said the a sales clerk, “will do half your job for you.” The senior manager studying the machine made his decision; “Fine, I’ take two.”

A customer comes into a computer store.“I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” After a while the clerk replied, “have you tried Windows 2000?”

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has own personal workstation. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year. Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year. Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm. Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm. Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night. Senior: Calls Domino's every other night. Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors. Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer. Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions. Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night. Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus. Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house. Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society. Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room. Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class. Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

Little Mary's father was typing away at his home computer, when she sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sister asked eagerly. Proudly Little Mary replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Jim bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Jim said, "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it. A week later, Jim again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Jim's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing." To cheer him up, the instructor said, "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"

Me: I'm very sorry, but my dog ate my homework. Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment? Me: ... Prof: ... Me: Well, it took him a couple bytes.

A boy asks his parents for a new computer because his old one is running too slow. His parents tell him it’s not in the budget. Determined, the boy goes into the kitchen, grabs the microwave and food processor, comes back and begins attaching the two appliances together. His parents see the boy and ask him what he’s doing. He says, “First I’m building the microprocessor and then I’ll see what else we got lying around.”

Mom had just returned from shopping and was surveying the ghastly scene in the den. The family computer had been totally smashed into a dozen pieces. "What happened to the PC?" she asked of her 14 year old son. "That was dad's doing," he replied. "As usual he couldn't get it to do what he wanted. I told him to reboot it. That's exactly what he did."

A computer-illiterate called the help desk asking how to change her password. “Okay,” I said, after punching in a few keys. “Log in using the password 123456.” “Is that all in caps?” she asked.

My laptop was driving me crazy. “The A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend. She quickly diagnosed the problem, “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.”

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?" User: (describes problem) Tech: (rattles off computer jargon) User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" Tech: "Okay... 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new desktop computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"

How do trees go online? They log-on of course.