desert-island Jokes

Me: What's the wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Barman: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Barman: £3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first... No spaces, all lowercase!

I have finally found something I must be in love with... GRAVITY! I fall for it all the time.

An alcoholic wakes up in jail. He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

"My Friday is ruined!" "Why, what happened?" "I realized today is Tuesday."

A camel can work for a week without drinking... A man can drink for a week without working.

I was told drinking just one beer wouldn't hurt you... But the other six might.

Woman customer in restaurant: "I'd like a margarita please." Waiter: "I'll need to see your ID." Customer (giggling while showing her ID): "You think I look like a teenager?" Waiter: "No. I thought you qualified for our senior citizen discount."

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... Coincidence?

Men are like coolers... Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

"You know how that saying goes..." "What saying?" "Beauty is in the eyes of the beer-holder."

Sign outside local pub: Special! Buy 1 beer at twice the price and get a SECOND BEER FREE!

Why did the dog walk into the bar? He was looking for the person that shot his PAW.

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

Some helium floats into a bar and tries to order a drink. The barman says, “We don’t serve noble gases in here.” The helium doesn’t react.

A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What would you like to drink?" The ghost says, “I’m just here for the boos.”

Two Irish men walk out of a bar... ...hey it could happen!

A guy walks into a bar. He steps on an ant. Then his uncle comes in.

Did you know drinking beer makes you smarter? I know it does because it made Bud Wiser!

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old!" The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

If ever u feel overloaded by life, wife or work, Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center & place order for any 1 or more of the following Antidotes: 1. Wife Irritation Neutralizing Extract (WINE) 2. Refreshing Unique Medicine (RUM) 3. Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER) 4. Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA) 5. Wife High Infusing Suspicion Killing Energy Yeast (WHISKEY)

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Reverend walk into a bar... You know what, I'm tired of these jokes, you finish it.

I walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a Screwdriver. He disappears and reappears twenty minutes later with a Philips Head screwdriver. I look at him aghast and say, “What would you have done if I asked for a Bloody Mary?”

Do not keep roasted peanuts in transparent jar, they disappear fast. But if you keep roasted cashews in transparent jar next to peanut jar, the peanuts last longer. However, if you add third element... let's say a nearby liquor bottle... then all will disappear in no time!

What did the vampire say to the bartender? "I'll have a blood lite!"

A mason visited a house to repair the water leakage of the ceiling. He found the hour owner drinking. He asked, "When did you come to know that your ceiling is leaking?" The owner replied, "Last night when it took me three hours to finish a single peg."

Pavlov is sitting in a bar and the phone begins to ring. He jumps up and shouts, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dogs!"

Q: What do you get when you mix vodka, tomato juice, and Geritol? A: A Tired Bloody Mary

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 4 shots.

What is the difference between a salon and a saloon? A salon is where you go to make yourself look better. A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.

A friend and I were in a bar fight with the bar bully. We took him to court for medical costs for stitches and a concussion when he hit my buddy with a beer bottle. The judge asked him what he had to say for himself. He said, "Your honor, I only used a lite beer!"