desert-island Jokes

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They just declare darkness the standard

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? "Don’t mind him, he’s just a product of our times."

My pet mouse Elvis died today... He was caught in a trap.

My wife and I just celebrated her 32nd birthday yesterday. It was the fastest birthday party we’ve ever had.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed? Sea-kelp!

I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't feel I'm fit enough for the job... I’ve handed in my 'Too Weak' notice.

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of Cheddar at me. Outraged, I shouted: “Well that’s not very mature, is it?!”

We cannot allow this year to end! That would be admitting that 2021!!!

Einstein finally finished his theory of relativity... It’s about time!

I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're... There so stupid!

I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X. I don’t know why.

I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies... I just didn’t realize it would Zoom!

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine. So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria then ever!

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town... At some point he’s going to face time!

What is muffins spelled backwards? Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.

Who's able to clear up the rubbish? Trash can.

What happened when the tortoise fell off the ledge? It was a 'turtle wipe-out'!

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

"Everyone at work told me to stop making jokes about puns." "Why is that?" "Because none of them were punny!" "Stop. Just stop now."

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked: “What are you doing?” He said: “Working from home.”

I don’t have a “dad bod”... I have a father figure.

I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate... And we’ve been married for more than 20 years.

What do you call a dinosaur fart? A blast from the past.

Due to the quarantine... I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks... Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it’s only a bank robbery.

There will be a baby boom in 9 months... And in 2033 we’ll witness the rise of the quaranteens!

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aid in for repair... I’ve heard nothing since.